INTJs and Social Relationships - Advice

As an INTJ, I'm a natural cynic and can be judgmental at times, but I'm trying to become more tolerant because if people would dismiss me for my faults (yes, we INTJs admit on rare occasions that we have faults), then I would not like it.  Logically, it is impossible for anyone, even ourselves to be perfect, although INTJs strive very hard for this ideal.  However, I have learned that while you can do your best to perfect an idea, a theory or a project, it is impossible to ask this of fallible humans. Instead, it is better to draw back and examine when we are overtly critical and dismiss people, as I have done in the past. We must be thankful to those who accept and love us in our lives, and offer the same acceptance and love to them back in return. When you get annoyed or angry about the illogical behaviors of people in your life, try to look at the whole nature and history of actions of the person.  Often, people are not aware of their behaviors. I have tried as many INTJs I'm sure have tried also, to advise people or even uttered sarcastic comments in the hope that they will change for the better, but no one including ourselves changes unless they come to an awareness within and their own desire to change.

Personal relationships are my weakest skill as is the case for many INTJs, not because I am not capable or adept at being social as I can be when I want, and I understand social dynamics, but I prefer not to be social. I enjoy activities done in my own company than those done in the company of others, such as reading, researching, writing, even sewing. However, I have let friendships go because I go months even years not fostering them. So, now, I make more oc an effort to sustain them. To grow and be the best person that you can be, you must not only emphasize your strengths, but also work on your weaknesses. To offer a metaphor, if there is a just a small air bubble in a sheet of ice, it will eventually affect the foundation and strength of the entire form. I still find that friendships require more time than I feel comfortable giving. For instance, I feel overwhelmed and a little uncentered when I hang out more than once a week as I need most of my time to be alone in my own pursuits, such as my job, education, family obligations and interests. Since my friends are of different groups, I often see each close friend once a month now, and less close friends 2 to 4 times a year. It seems very little to the average person, but it's what I'm comfortable with, and I've grown tired of forcing myself to overextend myself as I did in the past. My true friends are very accepting and understanding, and I am so thankful that they understand that seeing them only once a month doesn't mean the intensity of my care for them is diminished. There have been done friends who have been more needy and demanding, and I tend to see them less as it's draining. You should be compassionate to friends when they are ill or they are going through crisis, but I find that many people get needy and expect their friends to be counselors for everything. Feedback is necessary for all, whether it is trying to determine your career path or a decision about a relationship, but continual dependence on others for happiness, emotional peace, to vent stress or for advice on the same issue time after time is not conducive to one's growth or the well being of the person it is being asked of.

INTJ Description & Self Confidence/Growth

Many people do not understand INTJs to the point that they may feel alienated and alone. Most of the time INTJs enjoy being alone, but they also don't want to be completely misunderstood. Humans as well as many species in nature don't want to be alone all of the time as there is a need for others for survival. They feel alienated when the few people in their life that they let in do not understand them. This can lead them to doubt their own self and self worth. It is therefore pertinent that INTJs understand themselves, and come to terms that many people will not understand them, but as long as they understand themselves and others accept them and don't ask them to change their core personality and functions too much that it is all right. No one should ask you to change who you are unless you are directly and purposely harming them or yourself.

I have made the mistake of trying to change myself for others, such as forcing myself to be more extroverted and take on more social interactions and activities than I really feel comfortable with and even taking on the role of counselor too much. Being social and a counselor, although I do care about people, is just not me. So, in the end, I pleased others when I did this, but felt drained myself.

Below is a INTJ descriptions that takes into account the strengths and nuances of INTJs and offers some advice on building self acceptance and self confidence.  I will also post more about this issue in the future.

INTJ

Visionaries - ‘Time is of the essence.’

INTJs are self-assured analytical types with a great need to innovate to achieve their goals. They are usually very original, creative thinkers who need to feel and appear competent.

INTJs’ particular intellectual style comes from the interaction of their preferences for intuition and thinking. They are usually very gifted at seeing the big picture. They often talk about “mapping” things out in their head and seeing how things fit together. This makes them naturally drawn to systems-thinking or any type of thinking which requires facility with connection, abstraction and complexity. They are able to use these skills in the kind of careers which often attract them – architecture, law, and management. Many scientists and engineers have a preference for INTJ.

INTJs often appear to others first and foremost as thinking types. This is because thinking in all its forms – from critiquing to prioritising – is what INTJs most readily do when engaged with others. But at heart, they are primarily ideas people. It is when they spend time reflecting that INTJs find connections, operate on hunches, theorise and cultivate their vision. Unlike their outer life which is usually fairly structured and controlled, an INTJ’s inner life can sometimes seem a pretty chaotic maelstrom of possibilities and ideas. 

Of all the types, INTJs are most motivated by “vision”. They  have a great need to come up with a unifying idea of a future, improved state which is then their job to realise. This inner vision can be so strong for INTJs and so individual that they are often reckoned to be the most independent-minded of all the types. In other words, they will sometimes cling stubbornly to what they “know” to be true and they will refuse to listen to others.

INTJs have a great need to be purposeful. They need to feel they are continually achieving, moving towards their vision or improving their mastery or competence in some way. Time is truly “of the essence” for INTJs.

This often means that INTJs come across to others as potentially impatient and time-pressured. Of all the introvert types, INTJs reguarly communicate in ways which can make them appear like extraverts rather than introverts. For example, they tend to speak quickly and forcefully, putting a great deal of energy into their communications. 

Their true introverted nature, however, can be seen in their need for privacy. To feel sane, INTJs must spend quality time alone. This may mean time for solitary pursuits or it may mean time for reading and writing. Like all NT types, they dislike social chit chat. If they are going to expend energy conversing they usually want it to be more puposeful than that. This means that INTJs can be difficult to really get to know. 

Competence is an important issue for INTJs. They have a need to feel they are able to do everything very well and to appear competent to others. Many will say they will just not tackle jobs if they think they will not be very good at them. On the other hand, they can get bored easily and need to feel challenged. 

As TJs they find it easy to keep their focus on being organised but like all NJ types their lack of attention to practical detail can mean their organisation falls apart slightly at the seams. They could misread their diary, for example, or pick up the wrong documents.

However, of all the N types, INTJs can sometimes be very good on detail if it is related in some way to the attainment of their bigger goal or if they feel their competence may be at stake in some way. Proof-reading documents, is a case in point. In these instances, they will go all out to ensure there are no mistakes. 

The research on type preferences in the UK suggest that only 1.4% of the population have a preference for INTJ and that it is the least common type. It is not surprising then that most INTJs say that they are aware of being “different” from most of the people they meet. 

Relationships, other than family and a few close personal friends, don’t usually matter greatly to INTJs yet they are often conscious of wanting to serve people in some way. Indeed many an INTJ’s vision is ultimately designed to make life better in some way for people. 

But relationships with others can present a difficulty for INTJs. They know they cannot achieve their vision alone and they can drive others towards the same exacting standards of competence and commitment that they use for themselves. This can cause resentment, particularly if the INTJ has not learned to openly appreciate others and thank them for their efforts. Female INTJs often learn this lesson more readily than male INTJs. 

Ultimately it is important for INTJs to keep their intuition within useful bounds. They must come to see that their inner vision is not always right. It can be overly abstract and impractical and not take adequate account of human feelings, frailties and values. They can become more effective if they learn to use their own thinking skills to critique their vision more and by soliciting and paying attention to other people’s views.

INTJ overview

Words to describe INTJs

reflective         global independent

determined innovative original

quick focused         objective

theoretical logical   structured

analytical         critical private 

Careers attractive to INTJs

Management positions of all kinds, particularly senior management. Architecture, law, engineering, science, social science, research, management consultancy, computing. 

Needs at work

• The opportunity to have a “vision”.

• To feel challenged and display their mastery..

• Privacy and time for reflection.

• May need encouragement to consider others’ views more.

Anticipated work/team strengths

• Having a strong vision for what the organisation could be like.

• Coming up with new ways of looking at problems.

• Finding logical flaws in other people’s thinking. 

• Seeing the big picture and the movement of trends. 

• Having the courage of their convictions and not being side tracked easily.   

Potential problem areas

• May come up with a vision or ideas which are not practical enough.

• May stubbornly refuse to listen to others’ views.

• May not take adequate account of people’s feelings and needs and subsequently alienate others.  

• May be so critical and confident of their opinions and goals that other types feel intimidated or driven. 

• May be unaware of the impact their style is having on others. 

Likely areas for improvement

• Considering and then factoring in the “human” element” in their decision-making. 

• Deliberately consulting other types and considering their opinions before making decisions.

• Learning to thank and appreciate others for their efforts. 

• Asking others for feedback.

Common relationship Issues for INTJs

INTJs show caring by spending time with people discussing things of interest to them or doing something which stimulates both parties’ interests in some way.

INTJs like others to admire their intellectual abilities and their insights. They also like people to respect their need for privacy and time to reflect. 

INTJ Type Dynamics

Dominant – intuition  – introverted

Auxiliary -  thinking  -  extraverted

Tertiary   -   feeling

Inferior   -    sensing 

source: © Carol Craig | http://www.centreforconfidence.co.uk/type-resources.php?pid=376

The Four Personality Preferences

The Four Preferences are:

Judging and Perceiving
Extraversion and Introversion
Sensing and Intuition
Thinking and Feeling

Extraversion and Introversion

When we talk about "extraversion" and "introversion", we are distinguishing between the two worlds in which all of us live. There is a world inside ourselves, and a world outside ourselves. When we are dealing with the world outside of ourself, we are "extraverting". When we are inside our own minds, we are "introverting". 

We are extraverting when we:

• Talk to other people
• Listen to what someone is saying
• Cook dinner, or make a cup of coffee
• Work on a car

We are introverting when we:

• Read a book
• Think about what we want to say or do
• Are aware of how we feel
• Think through a problem so that we understand it

Within the context of personality typing, the important distinction is which world we live in more often. Do we define our life's direction externally or internally? Which world gives us our energy, and which do we perhaps find draining? 

Sensing and Intuition

The "SN" preference refers to how we gather information. We all need data on which to base our decisions. We gather data through our five senses. Jung contended that there are two distinct ways of perceiving the data that we gather. The "Sensing" preference absorbs data in a literal, concrete fashion. The "Intuitive" preference generates abstract possibilities from information that is gathered. We all use both Sensing and Intuition in our lives, but to different degrees of effectiveness and with different levels of comfort.
We are Sensing when we:

• Taste food
• Notice a stoplight has changed
• Memorize a speech
• Follow steps in a plan

We are Intuitive when we:

• Come up with a new way of doing things
• Think about future implications for a current action
• Perceive underlying meaning in what people say or do
• See the big picture

Within the context of personality typing, the important distinction is which method of gathering information do we trust the most? Do we rely on our five senses and want concrete, practical data to work with? Or do we trust our intuitions without necessarily building upon a solid foundation of facts? 

Thinking and Feeling

When Jung studied human behavior, he noticed that people have the capability to make decisions based on two very different sets of criteria: Thinking and Feeling. When someone makes a decision that is based on logic and reason, they are operating in Thinking mode. When someone makes a decision that is based on their value system, or what they believe to be right, they are operating in Feeling mode. We all use both modes for making decisions, but we put more trust into one mode or the other. A "Thinker" makes decisions in a rational, logical, impartial manner, based on what they believe to be fair and correct by pre-defined rules of behavior. A "Feeler" makes decisions on the individual case, in a subjective manner based on what they believe to be right within their own value systems.
We are making decisions in the Thinking mode when we:

• Research a product via consumer reports, and buy the best one to meet our needs
• Do "The Right Thing", whether or not we like it
• Choose not to buy a blue shirt which we like, because we have two blue shirts
• Establish guidelines to follow for performing tasks

We are making decisions in the Feeling mode when we:

• Decide to buy something because we like it
• Refrain from telling someone something which we feel may upset them
• Decide not to take a job because we don't like the work environment
• Decide to move somewhere to be close to someone we care about

Some decisions are made entirely by Thinking or Feelings processes. Most decisions involve some Thinking and some Feeling. Decisions that we find most difficult are those in which we have conflicts between our Thinking and Feeling sides. In these situations, our dominant preference will take over. Decisions which we find easy to make and feel good about are usually a result of being in sync with both our Feeling and Thinking sides. 

Judging and Perceiving

Judging and Perceiving preferences, within the context of personality types, refers to our attitude towards the external world, and how we live our lives on a day-to-day basis. People with the Judging preference want things to be neat, orderly and established. The Perceiving preference wants things to be flexible and spontaneous. Judgers want things settled, Perceivers want thing open-ended.
We are using Judging when we:

• Make a list of things to do
• Schedule things in advance
• Form and express judgments
• Bring closure to an issue so that we can move on

We are using Perceiving when we:

• Postpone decisions to see what other options are available
• Act spontaneously
• Decide what to do as we do it, rather than forming a plan ahead of time
• Do things at the last minute

We all use both Judging and Perceiving as we live our day-to-day life. Within the context of personality type, the important distinction is which way of life do we lean towards, and are more comfortable with. 

The differences between Judging and Perceiving are probably the most marked differences of all the four preferences. People with strong Judging preferences might have a hard time accepting people with strong Perceiving preferences, and vice-versa. On the other hand, a "mixed" couple (one Perceiving and one Judging) can complement each other very well, if they have developed themselves enough to be able to accept each other's differences. 


source: http://www.personalitypage.com/html/four-prefs.html

The Benefits of Yoga, esp. for INTJs

I practiced yoga regularly for a few years, and it was one of the most clear periods in my adult life.

Recently, I started practicing yoga again, and while I only do a half an hour every day and meditation for 10 minutes daily I am getting just back into it, I am already seeing a change.  I feel more relaxed mentally and more energy physically.  INTJs can benefit a great deal from yoga as we are always thinking and analyzing, and doing yoga and meditation gives us a chance to clear our head once in a while.  Clearing your head is important because it allows your brain to de-stress and think afresh.

Many studies have shown that meditation and yoga helps the memory, reduces stress and gives you more energy.  A Harvard study even found that yoga helps anxiety and depression.  You don't have to convert to a religion to do it.  You just need to become in tuned with your body, your breath and nature or your other surroundings.

Below are links on a few more reputable studies as I know we INTJs like scientific studies/proof.

http://www.health.harvard.edu/newsletters/Harvard_Mental_Health_Letter/2009/April/Yoga-for-anxiety-and-depression

http://psychcentral.com/news/2010/01/12/scientific-basis-for-yoga-benefits/10693.html

http://health.usnews.com/health-news/diet-fitness/fitness/articles/2010/09/24/benefits-of-yoga-how-different-types-affect-health

http://web.mit.edu/newsoffice/2011/meditation-0505.html

http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200304/the-benefits-meditation

http://nccam.nih.gov/health/meditation/overview.htm


There are many other studies out there, but I also believe in trying things oneself.  See it as an experiment.  Practice yoga or mediation for a short period once a day for a month, and see how you feel.  You don't need to even go to a yoga studio unless you like the experience of exercising with others. A true INTJ, I like to exercise solo.  I only go to studios if a friend is with me as it is also a bonding experience.  Usually, I put on a Baron Baptiste or Rodney Yee video or even a YouTube video from a certified yoga instructor, and I do yoga at home or even in my hotel room when I travel.

Clutter & Depression

I never used to be one to obsess over possessions, except for my book and music collection, and except for a temporary bout of materialist insanity in an attempt to follow the advice/criticism of a "friend" and fit in to the corporate work force.

The past two years have been difficult, and I have not been maintaining a minimalist lifestyle as I would like due to OCD perfectionism and being at the crossroads of what to do with my life now that I am married and have someone else to consider in the equation.

My recent exit from the legal field and from the corporate enviroment literally gave me my sanity back.  For years, because I switched my double major from English literature and Romance languages to law as it was more practical, and because my only work experience other than an English tutor was as a paralegal, I tried to convince myself that law was right for me.  While I respect law, and found the the cases interesting in college, I gravely disliked working in a law firm.  I hated the lack of cretativity, the billable hours and the ruthless personalities.  Forcing myself to go from job to job in the field, but I knew to change fields would mean being broke again as I would have to pay for grad school and get paid very little after.

So, I convinced myself that I should be a lawyer because I did well in my classes and even scored 168 on the prep test LSAT after just studying on my own for 2 months.  However, when I took the prep-test and saw my score, a lightbulb lit up in my head.  I realize that my depression and not doing much in what I was passionate about for the last 8 years went hand in hand.  I saw that I wanted to see if I could get into law school as my self esteem was at a all time low in terms of my career and education of late.  Once I saw that I could score well, as I believe I could score even higher if I studied longer, I felt a boost of confidence I have not had in a while, and it gave me the strength to soul search and really be brave and pursue my passion, which is literature, which I have continued writing for 20 years and still read even when I was in the legal field.

I also realized that my depression the last two years has led me to accumulate clutter.  I would buy things, but not have the energy or time to make the decision to discard the old items.

I have decided to embark on getting back to my minimalist lifestyle because I thrived in it. I was not an extreme fanatic minimalist with 10 items of clothing, but I was a moderate and balance minimalist, who only kept what I used and what added value to me.  I believe that the clutter has added to my depression and OCD as my moods were more stabilized when I was more minimalist.

I know that people who have maintained a minimalist lifestyle may be judgmental, but it does not deter me.  I know my struggles, and the way I see it is that sometimes when we fall, we learn faster to pick ourselves up and get stronger as a result.  I hope that others who struggle with the same things that I do or who just want to make their lives more simpler will be helped by the blog entries I will be posting in the near future about my journey.

Re-Inspired by a Storm and Isolation

Re-Inspired by a Storm and Isolation

I wrote the draft of this post when the hurricane/super storm Sandy was occurring in New York. The storm made me feel how fragile we humans and our lives are, and I came to a few realizations that I would like to hold on to and share as well.

Below are my thoughts during the storm:


While I don't want people's homes to be flooded, and I have been checking up on my loved ones, I'm actually loving the storm. The wind is howling as you can hear in the above video that I filmed from my window. The trees having been swaying a bit dangerously as the wind is blowing at 90 mph, and the windows are rattling so much that they sound like they could crack. The above video does not demonstrate how extreme it was. I'm keeping the camera quit still. The sky has been dark and dreary all day. No one is outside, and cars rarely pass by. Yet, I honestly love it. I have always enjoyed the rain when I am indoors. I love to see it on the wet leaves on the trees and on the pavement, which is why autumn has always been my favorite season. I know its odd to like storms and dreary weather, but it is quite peaceful, it mirrors my mood at times, and it reminds me that I'm human and how fragile, yet precious is life.

I haven't been quite productive, but I've enjoyed this lazy day of watching missed re-runs of The Vampire Diaries and True Blood.

I do hope to get some housework done after one more episode as I just returned from a trip from San Antonio with my husband. Ironically, we left sunny weather, with the temperatures at approximately 88 degrees. My husband had a work assignment, and it was the first time I had ever left my home or New York for more than a week and a half. I was there for 3 weeks, and it was so freeing being away from all the clutter in my apartment. As I mentioned in some of my recent posts, I've been trying to Ho back to a minimalist lifestyle because I find that whenever I have more than I need and use, I get very unfocused, and it brings on bouts of moderate depression. However, I have been struggling with letting things go because I am only working 8 - 10 hours a week now, and I felt like I was wasting and loosing money by donating or discarding my items.

However, this trip was quite an eye opener on how badly my possessions were draining my energy. Since my husband was working, we only went out on weekends. During the week, I was so focused and my mind more free that I've been for years now that I was able to get some work and reading done. Usually, I am so immobilized by all my possessions that I just surf the web or watch videos because I can focus due to the visual distraction of things that need to be organized and cleaned. Now, I'm not a hoarder as you see on A&E, but I do tend to compulsively shop when I am in a down mood. I have moderate OCD, and am a very visual person, so a cluttered house drives me nuts, but with so many things brought in by my shopping, I can't think, and feel overwhelmed with where to start decluttering. This habit started slowly in a few years ago, bug got very bad. I've gone from moving out with a large duffle bag and books, then moving from my second apartment in 2008 with just 3 suitcases comprising of all my possessions (clothing, books, shoes, bags) to 4 three by two feet closets of clothing hanging in those closets, 1 closet of shoes and bags, and 1 bin of fabric and trim. My books are contained to just a very small bookshelf because I mostly purchase eBooks now. In 2009, I only had 113 items of clothing. So, in three years my OCD and depression has made me hit rock bottom. I saw a therapist, but she did psychoanalysis, which was not helpful because I already knew my issue was depression and mild OCD. I am still looking for a cognitive behavioral therapist. When I was away Fromm home for ten three weeks, I did have some obsessive thoughts and some dark moments but I was able to deal with it by self talk and by doing my work, do they passed. However, when I'm home I'm in such an overwhelmed state that I don't have the energy to employ coping strategies.

So, I've decided to not even think about my possessions and whether I need it in the far future, I've decided only to keep only items I wore this year or that I intend to wear in the next 3 winter months. For instance, I wear mostly black, but I have quite a number of red tops, skirts and dresses just because color red is my favorite color in addition to black. I'm putting these in the donation bag without a thought of future use.

The past is the past, and we cannot hold on to it or the money or opportunities list. Nor can we plan for the future in detail, but rather just to a vague extent. My trip gave me the impetus to go back to a mknslist lifestyle. I will post more on my progress, and I hope that it helps you as well. Anyone with OCD, depression or who is a minimalist who has advice if comments to share, I welcome and appreciate them.

Thanks for reading.

Finding Your Jung Myers-Briggs Personality Type

To fulfill the most of your potential, I think that it is essential to know your personality type. To understand myself in the past, I have read in depth horoscopes (western, Chinese, Vedic), but none have really placed me as a person. While there have been some things that are accurate or in the way that some may see me, they never described me. I also looked at my parents, siblings and grandparents, and while we have some similarities as some personality traits are inherited and behavior is learned, I still felt very different in many ways.

I have taken several personality tests over the years, and except for a few occassions where I placed as an INTP, I have placed as an INTJ over 50 times over the last 5 years. I feel that the description fits me quite well, except that I have learned to be more compassionate due to my upbringing and because because our society values it. I don't always do what society values, but I believe that compassion is a good quality to have.

Here are my specific and most recent scores. They vary from time to time in terms of percentage, but not in extreme variations.

Here is the link to the personality test. I have taken several others, but I feel that the questions in this one are the most clear and comprehensive. I will post the links to the other test at the bottom of this post as well.

http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/jtypes2.asp

Out of curiosity, I have asked a few friends who have taken it to share their results with me, and their results have pegged them very well, and allowed me a greater understanding of them as well.

Below is a description of my type, INTJ.

INTJ In-Depth Personality Description

Introverted iNtuitive Thinking Judging
(Introverted Intuition with Extraverted Thinking)

Source: http://www.personalitypage.com/INTJ.html

---

The Scientist

As an INTJ, your primary mode of living is focused internally, where you take things in primarily via your intuition. Your secondary mode is external, where you deal with things rationally and logically. INTJs live in the world of ideas and strategic planning. They value intelligence, knowledge, and competence, and typically have high standards in these regards, which they continuously strive to fulfill. To a somewhat lesser extent, they have similar expectations of others.

With Introverted Intuition dominating their personality, INTJs focus their energy on observing the world, and generating ideas and possibilities. Their mind constantly gathers information and makes associations about it. They are tremendously insightful and usually are very quick to understand new ideas. However, their primary interest is not understanding a concept, but rather applying that concept in a useful way. Unlike the INTP, they do not follow an idea as far as they possibly can, seeking only to understand it fully. INTJs are driven to come to conclusions about ideas. Their need for closure and organization usually requires that they take some action. 

INTJ's tremendous value and need for systems and organization, combined with their natural insightfulness, makes them excellent scientists. An INTJ scientist gives a gift to society by putting their ideas into a useful form for others to follow. It is not easy for the INTJ to express their internal images, insights, and abstractions. The internal form of the INTJ's thoughts and concepts is highly individualized, and is not readily translatable into a form that others will understand. However, the INTJ is driven to translate their ideas into a plan or system that is usually readily explainable, rather than to do a direct translation of their thoughts. They usually don't see the value of a direct transaction, and will also have difficulty expressing their ideas, which are non-linear. However, their extreme respect of knowledge and intelligence will motivate them to explain themselves to another person who they feel is deserving of the effort.

INTJs are natural leaders, although they usually choose to remain in the background until they see a real need to take over the lead. When they are in leadership roles, they are quite effective, because they are able to objectively see the reality of a situation, and are adaptable enough to change things which aren't working well. They are the supreme strategists - always scanning available ideas and concepts and weighing them against their current strategy, to plan for every conceivable contingency.

INTJs spend a lot of time inside their own minds, and may have little interest in the other people's thoughts or feelings. Unless their Feeling side is developed, they may have problems giving other people the level of intimacy that is needed. Unless their Sensing side is developed, they may have a tendency to ignore details which are necessary for implementing their ideas.

The INTJ's interest in dealing with the world is to make decisions, express judgments, and put everything that they encounter into an understandable and rational system. Consequently, they are quick to express judgments. Often they have very evolved intuitions, and are convinced that they are right about things. Unless they complement their intuitive understanding with a well-developed ability to express their insights, they may find themselves frequently misunderstood. In these cases, INTJs tend to blame misunderstandings on the limitations of the other party, rather than on their own difficulty in expressing themselves. This tendency may cause the INTJ to dismiss others input too quickly, and to become generally arrogant and elitist.

INTJs are ambitious, self-confident, deliberate, long-range thinkers. Many INTJs end up in engineering or scientific pursuits, although some find enough challenge within the business world in areas which involve organizing and strategic planning. They dislike messiness and inefficiency, and anything that is muddled or unclear. They value clarity and efficiency, and will put enormous amounts of energy and time into consolidating their insights into structured patterns.

Other people may have a difficult time understanding an INTJ. They may see them as aloof and reserved. Indeed, the INTJ is not overly demonstrative of their affections, and is likely to not give as much praise or positive support as others may need or desire. That doesn't mean that he or she doesn't truly have affection or regard for others, they simply do not typically feel the need to express it. Others may falsely perceive the INTJ as being rigid and set in their ways. Nothing could be further from the truth, because the INTJ is committed to always finding the objective best strategy to implement their ideas. The INTJ is usually quite open to hearing an alternative way of doing something.

When under a great deal of stress, the INTJ may become obsessed with mindless repetitive, Sensate activities, such as over-drinking. They may also tend to become absorbed with minutia and details that they would not normally consider important to their overall goal.

INTJs need to remember to express themselves sufficiently, so as to avoid difficulties with people misunderstandings. In the absence of properly developing their communication abilities, they may become abrupt and short with people, and isolationists. 

INTJs have a tremendous amount of ability to accomplish great things. They have insight into the Big Picture, and are driven to synthesize their concepts into solid plans of action. Their reasoning skills gives them the means to accomplish that. INTJs are most always highly competent people, and will not have a problem meeting their career or education goals. They have the capability to make great strides in these arenas. On a personal level, the INTJ who practices tolerances and puts effort into effectively communicating their insights to others has everything in his or her power to lead a rich and rewarding life. 

Jungian functional preference ordering:
Dominant: Introverted Intuition
Auxilliary: Extraverted Thinking
Tertiary: Introverted Feeling
Inferior: Extraverted Sensing

Other INTJ Portrait Descriptions:

http://www.keirsey.com/4temps/mastermind.asp

http://www.mypersonality.info/personality-types/intj/

http://www.santafecoach.com/Ptest/intj.htm

 Other Jung Myers-Briggs Based Tests

http://similarminds.com/jung.html

http://www.better-mind.com/component/option,com_jumi/Itemid,311/fileid,8/

Psychological Implications of Clutter

INTJs need organization and structure to function optimaly. Our cousins INTP are quite all right and at ease with a little clutter, but it sharply hinders our productivity and bothers us immensely.

I can only truly focus when my desk is absolutely clear, and my home is organized. I am a very visual person and being an INTJ, disorder drives me crazy and is quite distracting and draining. I am very strict about cleaning my house weekly, and I never fail on sweeping and mopping as I have major dust allergies. However, sometimes when I am not not feeling well for a week or two or if I fall behind on organizing and cleaning surfaces, the house can get a bit cluttered. As I am very perfectionist about organization (very INTJ), I don't like to do it unless I have the time to make it as best to my standards. I don't always have the time, so I have gotten overwhelmed at times or just put it off, and it then becomes a vicious cycle of clutter and lack of productivity. I have reorganized every week or two, but reorganizing is not enough because the clutter returns. At first, I thought it is because I don’t have enough time to clean as before and that I don’t put things in their rightful places because I am sometimes in a rush. One solution I have realized from looking back on my life is to try to de-clutter and lessen my possessions as it is impossible to organize and clean too many items.

Many times we keep items because it gives us a sense of security. A guest on Oprah noted that many people keep things and develop clutter because they fear the future, or for other psychological reasons. I am a not a compulsive hoarder, it would be advisable that readers take a look at this link if they have a problem with clutter and hoarding.

We can all relate to some of these items in some manner, but the most important thing is to not let yourself slip too much if you do slip. I notice that I always buy stuff or keep stuff to alleviate boredom and take my mind off stress or insecurity about the future. I started  buying items after I got a job because I was not able to without feeling guilty to when I was not working,  and I indulged now that I got a job.

I watched a movie called Mongul about the life of Ghengis Khan, and the rusticness and nomadicness of life back then really appealed to me, though not the violence. It always makes me appreciate my life, and make me feel happiess when I live as simply and with as few items as possible. Having too many items lures us into a false sense of security especially when you may feel you do not have control in your life in some areas, or are unsatisfied in some areas. However, it actually does not alleviate those feelings, but adds  more fuel to it because many possessions make you loose your control of what is important to you as you are bombarded with so many items. It also takes away from your time as you have to care for, clean and some even subconciously worry about loosing stuff. Make sure that security is in yourself and your life, not in your possessions.

Alleviating Depression - Focus on What You Enjoy & True Friends

For those who are in a down mood or struggle from depression, I found it more helpful to learn about how to be happier rather that to learn more about depression. I have read quite a bit of literature on depression, suffering from moderate depression (dysthymia) in the past. There were some days where no self talk made me better as an INTJ, I turn every idea around and analyze it, so saw holes in the self talk. 

So, I find that the best way for getting though a dark day or mood is by doing things that I truly enjoy (the brilliant advice of my husband), such as reading some literature, writing a poem or story, sewing or seeing a friend.  What you enjoy may vary, of course. On days that I am not at my lowest, if I feel a little drained, I try to focus on things that make me less sad. While, those with depression will never be as  happy as the average person and those major depression may need both medication and therapy from a professional, there are still things we can do on a regular basis to ease moderate dark feelings or moods. I have accomplished some of my best creative projects in those dark moods, so I do not hate them and I embrace the dark and light sides of life in so many ways. Dark moods may be something that analytical and refelctive people like INTJs may encounter more that others. However, it is important to view it from a a place of power, where you deal with it, and do not let it debilitate you. 

On this note, here is a great video by Nobel laureate, Daniel Kahneman, on the subject of happiness that you may find useful.  

One thing that is very important in my own experience if you have depression is to surround yourself with people who are positive and caring. I used to have a good number of friends, but some of them were very critical, competitive and negative. I can appreciate intellectual debate any day, but I find personal attacks and criticism for no reason to be done only by insecure or self absorbed people. So, now I choose to maintain only a few close friendships and I am much happier after seeing them once a month, than when I saw my many friends a few times a week. 

Kahneman also found that based on a survey of 600,000 Americans that happiness corresponds to if you  "spend time with people you like". He said: “Below 60,000 dollars a year, people are unhappy, and they get progressively unhappier the poorer they get. Above that, we get an absolutely flat line. I mean I’ve rarely seen lines so flat."

 

INTJ Friendships and INTJ Females

INTJ Women - Not Your Typical Females

INTJ women are said to be very rare. INTJs make up 2-3% of the population according to most reputable personality surveys and experts. Of that 3%, only .5% to 1% are female. A few studies even say that only .3% of INTJs are female. Whatever the actual figure, that means that only .3 to 1% of the general population are INTJ females. That is very rare indeed.

Understandably after seeing that statistic, a lot of people have a hard time figuring out INTJ women as most of them are not into the usual girly stuff as much as other women. This is not to say that they are all tomboys, but they are more interested in science, technology, literature and are more bookish and logical can most females. For many INTJs, fashion is just for utility, such as to be appropriate for their given activity. This does not mean that INTJ don't like to look nice or feminine, but even when they show an interest in fashion, it is not obsessive, but is for form and function - i.e. for the purpose of looking neat, presentable and appropriate for the situation. I can relate to this as I didn't care much for fashion for most of my life, and actually dressed more goth (i.e. mostly black) in high school and college. I saw fashion as just a way to be myself, and have never followed fashion trends. I experimented with fashion for a short period in my life because people told me that I needed to project a certain image for my career. So, I purchased a lot of clothing, even in red and blue, but later, this got boring for me, as I thought it was illogical and trite if people judged me by the colors or brands of clothing I was wearing, rather than my merit. Now, I am back to mainly black clothing (though I do like red, but use it for accessories) because of it's utility and it's mystery. Ironically, I read in an INTJ forum once that most INTJs actually prefer black clothing.

One thing that is sure is that you will rarely find INTJ women enjoying shopping as if it was a sport or bonding experience, which most women do. I personally get utterly bored if shopping becomes the main activity that a friend prefers to do (although I make an exception for book shopping or antique stores for their novelty). I also get utterly annoyed when a friend insists on "dressing to the nines" or putting on a mask-ful of makeup for a simple lunch or dinner date with just the two of us. I am much more interested in what a friend has to say than what they are wearing. I used to have friends like that, and while I don't dislike them, I found these activities and behavior trite. Consequently, the few people that I consider my close friends after all these years are similar to me in this way.

Even deeper than fashion, INTJ women have a hard time relating to other females with their obsession over celebrities, shopping and relationship. This is not to say that they are not caring people, but they would much rather meet friends to discuss philosophy, physics or literature than what shoe they bought or which crush they have. In my own life, I have turned down many invitations of dinner or drinks with acquaintances to read a novel or watch a History Channel special. I am socially adept, but I prefer solitary activities or the company of a few close friends who share my interests.

In terms of expression of emotions, INTJ women sometimes are misunderstood. They actually feel deeply, but they are not as expressive. INTJ women may go weeks or even a few months without calling or hanging out with a friend, but care deeply about that friend. Personally, if a friend doesn't call me for a few weeks, as long as I know that they are doing all right, I don't hold it against them, although I will sometimes miss their company and intellectual stimulation. However, most women and men feel slighted when a friend does not show attention. I have made an effort over the years to be more consistent in things like that as social codes seem to require that consistency. So, I try to see my 5 close friends (who have gone through a rigorous process and analysis over the years in my mind for me to consider them close friends and who have demonstrated mutual interest and effort) every few weeks, or say something encouraging to them via email or Facebook show I am thinking of them. I will be honest and say that sentimental words whether said online or in person with friends still leave me feeling a bit uncomfortable, though. I certainly feel them and mean them, but I feel awkward expressing them.

INTJ Friendships

 Before I truly understood my type, I felt an uneasiness with myself. From as far as I could remember as a child, I was a bit of a loner with only 3 friends, whom I only hung out with once in a week. In Junior High, I spent more time with 2 close friends, who I am still very close with as we have many similar interests. Being a loner never bothered me and I was quite happy with solitary activities and my few close friends. However, in high school, I started to feel uneasy because the Western ideal is to praise popular or extroverted teens. I bounced from one group in the three years I was there (I finished high school a year early), my longest stay with few regular kids and a few punk/goth kids, but all these friendships faded after high school as I didn't have much in common with them as did my friendships in college, where I had quite a few friends. I continued to hang out with many friends after college, but while they were nice people, I felt little fulfillment from the friendships because I had little in common in terms of interests and personality. So, I started just hanging out with a few friends that I really relate to, and I couldn't be happier. As an INTJ, I can say from experience that it is true when profiles of us say that we would much rather have 3 very deep friendships, than 10 surface ones.

To be frank, I understand the value of friendship, but I really enjoy my own company. The world says that one should have a lot of friends and a large support network, but that just does not work for INTJs. We get bored very easily, and need very intellectual friends who would are not afraid to talk about serious matters. I used to force myself to see friends so they would not think that I didn't care, but now, I am very honest with friends and I see them every now and them, (unless they need me very badly, in which case I am reliable). True friends accept you as you are as long as you are respectful.

Friendship Advice for INTJS 

 So, to INTJs, be they male or female, I encourage you to first accept that there is nothing wrong with you to prefer solitary activities as long as it is not pathological (such as due to extreme depression). Secondly, I encourage you to seek friendships based on intellect, common interests, personality, values and mutual understanding. Do not hang out or have friends just to kill time or because 90% of the world thinks it should be so. Thirdly, make an effort to reach out to friends to hang out with them every now and then. I will confess that I have a loose schedule of when to see my friends. I know- it's very INTJ, to plan that. Fourthly, don't expect friends to understand you completely, but they must accept you if you are true friends, and you must accept them (respect debate is all right). INTJs are only 3% of the population, so you can't expect most people to understand you. It just means that you are different, but different is not bad. As you further yourself, your interests and your growth as a person, a few amazing friends will also come your way.

Letting go of Negativity & Criticism for Growth

I have been in a bit of a rut the last few weeks, and I cannot focus on work or studying. This is difficult for me as I work from home and study at home. My work does not pay very well, and is based on an hourly rate, so distractions and not being able to focus for hours means a loss in my pay. As for the studying, I have to take 2 GRE exams (general and subject) in the next few months, so I really do not have the luxury of loosing time.

Yet, when at home, I get distracted with reorganizing my possessions, cleaning the house, and going on the internet for hours. There were many times in my life when my focus was superb. I have been thinking about those times, and what facilitated that focus. I am an HSP (highly sensitive person), so I am affected by excessive sensory stimulation. However, since I do not have to deal with the stress of a micromanaging or domineering boss as before, my environment in terms of people is not the issue. However, I have worked out of a hotel for a few days every few weeks when visiting my husband when he is away for work, and my focus has been a lot better. I do get sidetracked and watch the history channel at times as I do not have cable at home, but overall, I am not as distracted and pull myself back after wasting time for a certain interval.

Looking back at my entire life and at the times when I was able to focus and also reflecting on why I am able to focus better away from home, I realize that my possessions and worrying about the well being of others seriously drain my energy. There is such a thing as doing too much of both. This morning, in the hotel, I started thinking about the several bins of clothing, shoes and bags that I have to go through as I am trying to weed out my clothing to have a more minimalist inventory. It brought me down so much that I unconsciously started surfing the web for a few hours to not think about it. Yesterday, I began to think about how needy some people in my life are for self assurance and for me to pick them up. This also weighed down on me and drained my energy as I realized after years of positive talk to them, only a person can change their own happiness, and it is selfish to ask others to do that. Although I am a caring person, I am also an INTJ, and I show care and love in different ways. However, what makes it hard to show care to these people as they have been very critical of me as a person, and also of me not showing enough even when I am trying. So, being that they are somewhat negative people and with their past history of being critical, I often feel guilty and drained when thinking about or trying to show care for them. This has affected my focus and my self esteem over the years because I feel that no matter what I do, it is not enough for them, and they do not accept me as I am.

I am certainly not an unfeeling person, and show care to my husband and 4 close friends often enough, but these people are positive or at least show me care in return. Very lopsided or one sided relationships where one is doing most of the giving or when demands are placed upon one who is not of the ability to fulfill them are draining and bad for the psyche. So, despite my guilty feelings, I have decided to limit contact with those people until I am at a healthier place psychologically to do so. I have spent my whole life in guilt in wanting to take care of myself first and have given a lot of my time and care that I did not have to extra to give due to it. However, after seeing a psychologist who noticed this pattern, and who told me that I had a right to care for myself too, I am trying to become healthier and raise my self esteem that has been broken directly and indirectly by negative people and many of emotional and verbal abuse.

When we are able to let go of the pain of the past, and build our self esteem and ourselves again, then we will be able to give. However, we cannot cover the pain with a false sheet of trying to be a good person and being a martyr for those we love. Otherwise, it only builds resentment that resurfaces later and actually taints the love or care that we feel for others. I am a private person, so I don't reveal things about myself such as I have above to most people. However, I do hope that others who have gone through verbal and emotional abuse that has affected their self esteem and sense of self worth would be brave enough to love themselves first before trying to love others.

INTJs & Overanalysis - A Few Helpful Tips

One reader recently voiced the frustration experienced from over-analysis and perfectionism, which are two INTJ qualities than can be debilitating if taken too far. Here is the original comment to my post titled INTJs Love a Challenge, but Not for Ego. My analysis (no pun intended) and a few tips to cope with this are below.

 

Well... I know it feels good trying to keep with our high standards (sometimes excessive that we hardly achieve them).

But speaking about ego, I think I'm experiencing what people refer as ego diffusion... People say that INTJ take thorough and consider multiple aspects before making their decision. And I think I take too much of them... It's like I'm overwhelming with tons of perspective from different sources & aspects. I, then conclude that everything is just relative; there is nothing absolute. That kind of thought leads me to horrible performance of my life, and suddenly I feel like I don't have any worthy goal... I lost my will to achieve my own standards. I know it's freaking pathetic & useless thought, but I just can't get rid of it. It's been 2-3 years and I'm still drowning into such subconscious thoughts.

Do you have any suggestion about how I can kill or control of this? Seriously, I really want to stop thinking, stop analyzing things, stop planning, then enjoy and live my life... 

Understanding INTJs Natural Inclination to Overanalyze

I understand the frustration of this reader as I have had many periods of inertia due to over-analysis in the past few years myself.

The good news is the ability to analyze things in different ways is one of the best qualities of INTJs it is what makes them open minded and visionary. However, as you and I have both experienced, INTJs have an almost obsessive quality of gathering and analyzing information and issues. This can lead to procrastination and loss of self esteem (ego diffusion). The reason for this is because while our close relatives, INTP also like to gather information, they like to gather information and look at issues for the sake of just learning. While we, INTJS love to learn, we are also pragmatic systems people in that we gather and analyze to make decisions, create solutions and applications. Thefore, we require closure. I have found myself analuzing issues and gathering information for days, weeks and even months. While on one hand I see this as increasing knowledge, it does leave me feeling a loss of self esteem because I have nothing concrete to show for it. Herein lies that need for closure and application.

It is interesting that you write this comment to me now, as I have started to make small behavioral changes in my life in the past few weeks to combat this inertia and loss of self esteem. I have found that since as a true and extreme INTJ I analyze everything down to my toothpaste and when choosing to donate an item of clothing, I need to put limitiations on what I focus my mental energy on. Although I am sure we have both tried to, the truth is that it is virtually impossble to focus your mental energy on every issue. It is especially hard for INTJs are we are perfectionists and cannot rest until an issue or activity has been thoroughly analyzed or pefected. However, trying to apply these high standards to a numberous amount of issues and activities just leads to your mental focus being streched thin, and you not being able to truly accomplish anything.


 So, I employed a few tactics (below) that may help you as well.

Some Possible Solutions

• I made a list (INTJs love lists, don't we) of things in my life that I have been focusing my mental energy on. 

• Then I made another list of goals that I want to achieve in the next 5 years.

• I then streamlined my 5 year goals to just 3 goals.

• Lastly, I looked at the activities on my first list and decided what were aiding my goals and what weren't. I have decided to cut out or cute down on the ones that do not. 

• If your issue is analyzing your thoughts, which I also struggle with at times, I would recommend that you do meditation.  Meditation may be difficult for you at first as we have active brains, and it is hard to slow down or ignore the thoughts as meditation requires. However, mindfulness meditation is a bit easier to do as you focus on your body and your breath. It also helps you to live in and focus on the moment, which can help aid in releasing your active thoughts for a few minutes, so they are not constant and making you feel neurotic or stressed.

• If meditation is difficult, yoga is a great alternative because while you are doing poses, you are forced to focus on what you are doing and not to analyze it or do anything else. Otherwise, you will fall off the pose. It forces you to be present and to release your analyzing, which has been very good for me. I don't do yoga as much as I should with my overactive mind, but whenever I am feeling especially stressed or tense, I try to do it. You can do it at a studio or with a video. Both work for me. 

• Taking walks in nature is also a great way to release the stress and over-analysis. Focus on beauty of the trees and the fresh air.

I think the hardest thing is breaking old habits, but it can be done as you become aware of them. For instance, I have spent a lot of time DIYing in the last few years as I love being creative. However, I also write, which is creative and more in line with my goals. So, I am in the process of de-cluttering my fabric stash and kitchen gadgets.

I also like looking at blogs and collecting pictures on minimalist interiors and fashion because I am intruiged by the idea of creating an effect with less. However, this is not in line with my goals. I also like to research music, bands and artists, and figuring out their influences and genre, but I can get carried away with spending too many hours analyzing this as well. So, I try not to do this at all or to no more than three hours a week. It has not been easy at first, but I find that turning off the computer is key for me.

I also love the History Channel, National Geographic and the Travel Channel, but I now limit myself to just a few shows, rather than keeping the TV running most of the day.

Your challenges and activities will be different, but you must figure out where you are spending your time, and what is worthy of your mental energy. While we INTJs think everything can benefit from analysis, it does not always translate into success and self-esteem. So, we need structure and limitations on what we analyze as we will naturally analyze every thought and thing that crosses our path.

Most of all, remember that although as INTJs we may believe otherwise, in reality, it is impossible to be perfect in everything you do. This is something that I have had to come to terms with. So, since INTJs can't help but wanting to do things perfectly, cutting down your activities or the things that you are focusing on allows you to try to dedicate your time to doing a few things extremely well. 

As I give you this advice, I am also employing these tactics myself, so I know it is not easy to change habits or to cut out things that you enjoy, but all things that are worth it take time and effort. I will share more tips on my blog about this, so please stay tuned. Also, let me know your progress and any tips that you may have as well.