Clutter & Depression

I never used to be one to obsess over possessions, except for my book and music collection, and except for a temporary bout of materialist insanity in an attempt to follow the advice/criticism of a "friend" and fit in to the corporate work force.

The past two years have been difficult, and I have not been maintaining a minimalist lifestyle as I would like due to OCD perfectionism and being at the crossroads of what to do with my life now that I am married and have someone else to consider in the equation.

My recent exit from the legal field and from the corporate enviroment literally gave me my sanity back.  For years, because I switched my double major from English literature and Romance languages to law as it was more practical, and because my only work experience other than an English tutor was as a paralegal, I tried to convince myself that law was right for me.  While I respect law, and found the the cases interesting in college, I gravely disliked working in a law firm.  I hated the lack of cretativity, the billable hours and the ruthless personalities.  Forcing myself to go from job to job in the field, but I knew to change fields would mean being broke again as I would have to pay for grad school and get paid very little after.

So, I convinced myself that I should be a lawyer because I did well in my classes and even scored 168 on the prep test LSAT after just studying on my own for 2 months.  However, when I took the prep-test and saw my score, a lightbulb lit up in my head.  I realize that my depression and not doing much in what I was passionate about for the last 8 years went hand in hand.  I saw that I wanted to see if I could get into law school as my self esteem was at a all time low in terms of my career and education of late.  Once I saw that I could score well, as I believe I could score even higher if I studied longer, I felt a boost of confidence I have not had in a while, and it gave me the strength to soul search and really be brave and pursue my passion, which is literature, which I have continued writing for 20 years and still read even when I was in the legal field.

I also realized that my depression the last two years has led me to accumulate clutter.  I would buy things, but not have the energy or time to make the decision to discard the old items.

I have decided to embark on getting back to my minimalist lifestyle because I thrived in it. I was not an extreme fanatic minimalist with 10 items of clothing, but I was a moderate and balance minimalist, who only kept what I used and what added value to me.  I believe that the clutter has added to my depression and OCD as my moods were more stabilized when I was more minimalist.

I know that people who have maintained a minimalist lifestyle may be judgmental, but it does not deter me.  I know my struggles, and the way I see it is that sometimes when we fall, we learn faster to pick ourselves up and get stronger as a result.  I hope that others who struggle with the same things that I do or who just want to make their lives more simpler will be helped by the blog entries I will be posting in the near future about my journey.

Re-Inspired by a Storm and Isolation

Re-Inspired by a Storm and Isolation

I wrote the draft of this post when the hurricane/super storm Sandy was occurring in New York. The storm made me feel how fragile we humans and our lives are, and I came to a few realizations that I would like to hold on to and share as well.

Below are my thoughts during the storm:


While I don't want people's homes to be flooded, and I have been checking up on my loved ones, I'm actually loving the storm. The wind is howling as you can hear in the above video that I filmed from my window. The trees having been swaying a bit dangerously as the wind is blowing at 90 mph, and the windows are rattling so much that they sound like they could crack. The above video does not demonstrate how extreme it was. I'm keeping the camera quit still. The sky has been dark and dreary all day. No one is outside, and cars rarely pass by. Yet, I honestly love it. I have always enjoyed the rain when I am indoors. I love to see it on the wet leaves on the trees and on the pavement, which is why autumn has always been my favorite season. I know its odd to like storms and dreary weather, but it is quite peaceful, it mirrors my mood at times, and it reminds me that I'm human and how fragile, yet precious is life.

I haven't been quite productive, but I've enjoyed this lazy day of watching missed re-runs of The Vampire Diaries and True Blood.

I do hope to get some housework done after one more episode as I just returned from a trip from San Antonio with my husband. Ironically, we left sunny weather, with the temperatures at approximately 88 degrees. My husband had a work assignment, and it was the first time I had ever left my home or New York for more than a week and a half. I was there for 3 weeks, and it was so freeing being away from all the clutter in my apartment. As I mentioned in some of my recent posts, I've been trying to Ho back to a minimalist lifestyle because I find that whenever I have more than I need and use, I get very unfocused, and it brings on bouts of moderate depression. However, I have been struggling with letting things go because I am only working 8 - 10 hours a week now, and I felt like I was wasting and loosing money by donating or discarding my items.

However, this trip was quite an eye opener on how badly my possessions were draining my energy. Since my husband was working, we only went out on weekends. During the week, I was so focused and my mind more free that I've been for years now that I was able to get some work and reading done. Usually, I am so immobilized by all my possessions that I just surf the web or watch videos because I can focus due to the visual distraction of things that need to be organized and cleaned. Now, I'm not a hoarder as you see on A&E, but I do tend to compulsively shop when I am in a down mood. I have moderate OCD, and am a very visual person, so a cluttered house drives me nuts, but with so many things brought in by my shopping, I can't think, and feel overwhelmed with where to start decluttering. This habit started slowly in a few years ago, bug got very bad. I've gone from moving out with a large duffle bag and books, then moving from my second apartment in 2008 with just 3 suitcases comprising of all my possessions (clothing, books, shoes, bags) to 4 three by two feet closets of clothing hanging in those closets, 1 closet of shoes and bags, and 1 bin of fabric and trim. My books are contained to just a very small bookshelf because I mostly purchase eBooks now. In 2009, I only had 113 items of clothing. So, in three years my OCD and depression has made me hit rock bottom. I saw a therapist, but she did psychoanalysis, which was not helpful because I already knew my issue was depression and mild OCD. I am still looking for a cognitive behavioral therapist. When I was away Fromm home for ten three weeks, I did have some obsessive thoughts and some dark moments but I was able to deal with it by self talk and by doing my work, do they passed. However, when I'm home I'm in such an overwhelmed state that I don't have the energy to employ coping strategies.

So, I've decided to not even think about my possessions and whether I need it in the far future, I've decided only to keep only items I wore this year or that I intend to wear in the next 3 winter months. For instance, I wear mostly black, but I have quite a number of red tops, skirts and dresses just because color red is my favorite color in addition to black. I'm putting these in the donation bag without a thought of future use.

The past is the past, and we cannot hold on to it or the money or opportunities list. Nor can we plan for the future in detail, but rather just to a vague extent. My trip gave me the impetus to go back to a mknslist lifestyle. I will post more on my progress, and I hope that it helps you as well. Anyone with OCD, depression or who is a minimalist who has advice if comments to share, I welcome and appreciate them.

Thanks for reading.

Letting go of Negativity & Criticism for Growth

I have been in a bit of a rut the last few weeks, and I cannot focus on work or studying. This is difficult for me as I work from home and study at home. My work does not pay very well, and is based on an hourly rate, so distractions and not being able to focus for hours means a loss in my pay. As for the studying, I have to take 2 GRE exams (general and subject) in the next few months, so I really do not have the luxury of loosing time.

Yet, when at home, I get distracted with reorganizing my possessions, cleaning the house, and going on the internet for hours. There were many times in my life when my focus was superb. I have been thinking about those times, and what facilitated that focus. I am an HSP (highly sensitive person), so I am affected by excessive sensory stimulation. However, since I do not have to deal with the stress of a micromanaging or domineering boss as before, my environment in terms of people is not the issue. However, I have worked out of a hotel for a few days every few weeks when visiting my husband when he is away for work, and my focus has been a lot better. I do get sidetracked and watch the history channel at times as I do not have cable at home, but overall, I am not as distracted and pull myself back after wasting time for a certain interval.

Looking back at my entire life and at the times when I was able to focus and also reflecting on why I am able to focus better away from home, I realize that my possessions and worrying about the well being of others seriously drain my energy. There is such a thing as doing too much of both. This morning, in the hotel, I started thinking about the several bins of clothing, shoes and bags that I have to go through as I am trying to weed out my clothing to have a more minimalist inventory. It brought me down so much that I unconsciously started surfing the web for a few hours to not think about it. Yesterday, I began to think about how needy some people in my life are for self assurance and for me to pick them up. This also weighed down on me and drained my energy as I realized after years of positive talk to them, only a person can change their own happiness, and it is selfish to ask others to do that. Although I am a caring person, I am also an INTJ, and I show care and love in different ways. However, what makes it hard to show care to these people as they have been very critical of me as a person, and also of me not showing enough even when I am trying. So, being that they are somewhat negative people and with their past history of being critical, I often feel guilty and drained when thinking about or trying to show care for them. This has affected my focus and my self esteem over the years because I feel that no matter what I do, it is not enough for them, and they do not accept me as I am.

I am certainly not an unfeeling person, and show care to my husband and 4 close friends often enough, but these people are positive or at least show me care in return. Very lopsided or one sided relationships where one is doing most of the giving or when demands are placed upon one who is not of the ability to fulfill them are draining and bad for the psyche. So, despite my guilty feelings, I have decided to limit contact with those people until I am at a healthier place psychologically to do so. I have spent my whole life in guilt in wanting to take care of myself first and have given a lot of my time and care that I did not have to extra to give due to it. However, after seeing a psychologist who noticed this pattern, and who told me that I had a right to care for myself too, I am trying to become healthier and raise my self esteem that has been broken directly and indirectly by negative people and many of emotional and verbal abuse.

When we are able to let go of the pain of the past, and build our self esteem and ourselves again, then we will be able to give. However, we cannot cover the pain with a false sheet of trying to be a good person and being a martyr for those we love. Otherwise, it only builds resentment that resurfaces later and actually taints the love or care that we feel for others. I am a private person, so I don't reveal things about myself such as I have above to most people. However, I do hope that others who have gone through verbal and emotional abuse that has affected their self esteem and sense of self worth would be brave enough to love themselves first before trying to love others.

The Balance of Structure and Individuality

Loosing Structure 

For the last few years, I believed that I disliked structure very much. However, I also noticed that without structure, such as a schedule or to do list or a plan for my days, months and years, I have drifted from job to job and not moved closer to my personal and life goals. I didn’t quite understand my aversion to structure in those last few years as when I was a paralegal, I took a great sense of pride in accomplishing things in a measured time. Even before that, from my youth to my early 20s, I was always an achiever, who planned my goals, and took steps to achieve them.

Thinking about thesee things in the last week as I feel more driven to accomplish my goal of getting into a top grad school, I realized that I need stucture to be successful. I am an INTJ, not an INTP. I also realized that the reason I have had an aversion to structure in the past few years is because I began to associate structure with people trying to control me. This is due to my previous relationship, where the person was as such, and caused me great anxiety due to his infidelities. Additionaly, it is due to my having a two jobs where I was micromanaged, and structured in by my bosses in almost everything I did. I also began to associate structure with people I saw who are successful and very structured, but who are also verymainstream in their views and behaviors, while I am somewhat unconventional.

Structure does not mean conformity

I  began to associate structure with the lack of freedom to be myself, and an invisible hand of society to conform me to the thoughts and behaviors of most people. Subconsciously, I rebelled, not in the way I rebelled as a teen, where I went goth, with black clothing, high platform boots, streaks in my hair or safety pins and staples in my clothing. How I rebelled was in abandoning the desire and need for structure in my life, and instead doing what spurred me in the moment, not planning my days in detail, and trying to be more hippiesh, and procrastinating. However, I still could not help planning myself in some ways, such as planning where I will meet my friends, checking out the directions first, deciding what I would do if I arrived early, etc. Yet to not stick to the structure and rigidity of being punctual, which I associated with my structered jobs, I would decide to do the dishes or clean the apartment before I leave, and therefore, end up leaving later than I estimated and knew I should. I rebelled by impulsively shopping, yet ironically, I would plan that I would impulsively shop, such as which store, which isle I would start with, etc. While at the store, I still sorted through my options before I make my decision. The inpulse was in purchasing things that I didn’t need more of. My need for structure then led me to continously organize, categorize and de-clutter my items.

Success requires vision and a plan

 Looking back over the last few years, I realize that I have always been successful when I have a vision, a plan, and take small action steps daily to achieve that plan. My rebellion against the structure I need has led me to seek structure in other ways, such as my environment, yet since my internal views were not congruent, even that has not stayed structured as I would like, leading to a lot of stress and wasted time organizing. I have come to understand myself that I like structure and getting things done. I don’t feel accomplished just thinking about things, and drifting aimslessly in knowledge. I like my thoughts and ideas to translate into something tangiable, into something that can be achieved, and I need closure and accomplishment. What I don’t need is structure and control under someone else’s terms. I am after all, an INTJ. I am highly independent, resourceful and I need a balance of a path/structure to follow in a job, but also enough freedom to exercise my ideas, and demonstrate and build my skills.