INTJs and Social Relationships - Advice

As an INTJ, I'm a natural cynic and can be judgmental at times, but I'm trying to become more tolerant because if people would dismiss me for my faults (yes, we INTJs admit on rare occasions that we have faults), then I would not like it.  Logically, it is impossible for anyone, even ourselves to be perfect, although INTJs strive very hard for this ideal.  However, I have learned that while you can do your best to perfect an idea, a theory or a project, it is impossible to ask this of fallible humans. Instead, it is better to draw back and examine when we are overtly critical and dismiss people, as I have done in the past. We must be thankful to those who accept and love us in our lives, and offer the same acceptance and love to them back in return. When you get annoyed or angry about the illogical behaviors of people in your life, try to look at the whole nature and history of actions of the person.  Often, people are not aware of their behaviors. I have tried as many INTJs I'm sure have tried also, to advise people or even uttered sarcastic comments in the hope that they will change for the better, but no one including ourselves changes unless they come to an awareness within and their own desire to change.

Personal relationships are my weakest skill as is the case for many INTJs, not because I am not capable or adept at being social as I can be when I want, and I understand social dynamics, but I prefer not to be social. I enjoy activities done in my own company than those done in the company of others, such as reading, researching, writing, even sewing. However, I have let friendships go because I go months even years not fostering them. So, now, I make more oc an effort to sustain them. To grow and be the best person that you can be, you must not only emphasize your strengths, but also work on your weaknesses. To offer a metaphor, if there is a just a small air bubble in a sheet of ice, it will eventually affect the foundation and strength of the entire form. I still find that friendships require more time than I feel comfortable giving. For instance, I feel overwhelmed and a little uncentered when I hang out more than once a week as I need most of my time to be alone in my own pursuits, such as my job, education, family obligations and interests. Since my friends are of different groups, I often see each close friend once a month now, and less close friends 2 to 4 times a year. It seems very little to the average person, but it's what I'm comfortable with, and I've grown tired of forcing myself to overextend myself as I did in the past. My true friends are very accepting and understanding, and I am so thankful that they understand that seeing them only once a month doesn't mean the intensity of my care for them is diminished. There have been done friends who have been more needy and demanding, and I tend to see them less as it's draining. You should be compassionate to friends when they are ill or they are going through crisis, but I find that many people get needy and expect their friends to be counselors for everything. Feedback is necessary for all, whether it is trying to determine your career path or a decision about a relationship, but continual dependence on others for happiness, emotional peace, to vent stress or for advice on the same issue time after time is not conducive to one's growth or the well being of the person it is being asked of.

INTJ Description & Self Confidence/Growth

Many people do not understand INTJs to the point that they may feel alienated and alone. Most of the time INTJs enjoy being alone, but they also don't want to be completely misunderstood. Humans as well as many species in nature don't want to be alone all of the time as there is a need for others for survival. They feel alienated when the few people in their life that they let in do not understand them. This can lead them to doubt their own self and self worth. It is therefore pertinent that INTJs understand themselves, and come to terms that many people will not understand them, but as long as they understand themselves and others accept them and don't ask them to change their core personality and functions too much that it is all right. No one should ask you to change who you are unless you are directly and purposely harming them or yourself.

I have made the mistake of trying to change myself for others, such as forcing myself to be more extroverted and take on more social interactions and activities than I really feel comfortable with and even taking on the role of counselor too much. Being social and a counselor, although I do care about people, is just not me. So, in the end, I pleased others when I did this, but felt drained myself.

Below is a INTJ descriptions that takes into account the strengths and nuances of INTJs and offers some advice on building self acceptance and self confidence.  I will also post more about this issue in the future.

INTJ

Visionaries - ‘Time is of the essence.’

INTJs are self-assured analytical types with a great need to innovate to achieve their goals. They are usually very original, creative thinkers who need to feel and appear competent.

INTJs’ particular intellectual style comes from the interaction of their preferences for intuition and thinking. They are usually very gifted at seeing the big picture. They often talk about “mapping” things out in their head and seeing how things fit together. This makes them naturally drawn to systems-thinking or any type of thinking which requires facility with connection, abstraction and complexity. They are able to use these skills in the kind of careers which often attract them – architecture, law, and management. Many scientists and engineers have a preference for INTJ.

INTJs often appear to others first and foremost as thinking types. This is because thinking in all its forms – from critiquing to prioritising – is what INTJs most readily do when engaged with others. But at heart, they are primarily ideas people. It is when they spend time reflecting that INTJs find connections, operate on hunches, theorise and cultivate their vision. Unlike their outer life which is usually fairly structured and controlled, an INTJ’s inner life can sometimes seem a pretty chaotic maelstrom of possibilities and ideas. 

Of all the types, INTJs are most motivated by “vision”. They  have a great need to come up with a unifying idea of a future, improved state which is then their job to realise. This inner vision can be so strong for INTJs and so individual that they are often reckoned to be the most independent-minded of all the types. In other words, they will sometimes cling stubbornly to what they “know” to be true and they will refuse to listen to others.

INTJs have a great need to be purposeful. They need to feel they are continually achieving, moving towards their vision or improving their mastery or competence in some way. Time is truly “of the essence” for INTJs.

This often means that INTJs come across to others as potentially impatient and time-pressured. Of all the introvert types, INTJs reguarly communicate in ways which can make them appear like extraverts rather than introverts. For example, they tend to speak quickly and forcefully, putting a great deal of energy into their communications. 

Their true introverted nature, however, can be seen in their need for privacy. To feel sane, INTJs must spend quality time alone. This may mean time for solitary pursuits or it may mean time for reading and writing. Like all NT types, they dislike social chit chat. If they are going to expend energy conversing they usually want it to be more puposeful than that. This means that INTJs can be difficult to really get to know. 

Competence is an important issue for INTJs. They have a need to feel they are able to do everything very well and to appear competent to others. Many will say they will just not tackle jobs if they think they will not be very good at them. On the other hand, they can get bored easily and need to feel challenged. 

As TJs they find it easy to keep their focus on being organised but like all NJ types their lack of attention to practical detail can mean their organisation falls apart slightly at the seams. They could misread their diary, for example, or pick up the wrong documents.

However, of all the N types, INTJs can sometimes be very good on detail if it is related in some way to the attainment of their bigger goal or if they feel their competence may be at stake in some way. Proof-reading documents, is a case in point. In these instances, they will go all out to ensure there are no mistakes. 

The research on type preferences in the UK suggest that only 1.4% of the population have a preference for INTJ and that it is the least common type. It is not surprising then that most INTJs say that they are aware of being “different” from most of the people they meet. 

Relationships, other than family and a few close personal friends, don’t usually matter greatly to INTJs yet they are often conscious of wanting to serve people in some way. Indeed many an INTJ’s vision is ultimately designed to make life better in some way for people. 

But relationships with others can present a difficulty for INTJs. They know they cannot achieve their vision alone and they can drive others towards the same exacting standards of competence and commitment that they use for themselves. This can cause resentment, particularly if the INTJ has not learned to openly appreciate others and thank them for their efforts. Female INTJs often learn this lesson more readily than male INTJs. 

Ultimately it is important for INTJs to keep their intuition within useful bounds. They must come to see that their inner vision is not always right. It can be overly abstract and impractical and not take adequate account of human feelings, frailties and values. They can become more effective if they learn to use their own thinking skills to critique their vision more and by soliciting and paying attention to other people’s views.

INTJ overview

Words to describe INTJs

reflective         global independent

determined innovative original

quick focused         objective

theoretical logical   structured

analytical         critical private 

Careers attractive to INTJs

Management positions of all kinds, particularly senior management. Architecture, law, engineering, science, social science, research, management consultancy, computing. 

Needs at work

• The opportunity to have a “vision”.

• To feel challenged and display their mastery..

• Privacy and time for reflection.

• May need encouragement to consider others’ views more.

Anticipated work/team strengths

• Having a strong vision for what the organisation could be like.

• Coming up with new ways of looking at problems.

• Finding logical flaws in other people’s thinking. 

• Seeing the big picture and the movement of trends. 

• Having the courage of their convictions and not being side tracked easily.   

Potential problem areas

• May come up with a vision or ideas which are not practical enough.

• May stubbornly refuse to listen to others’ views.

• May not take adequate account of people’s feelings and needs and subsequently alienate others.  

• May be so critical and confident of their opinions and goals that other types feel intimidated or driven. 

• May be unaware of the impact their style is having on others. 

Likely areas for improvement

• Considering and then factoring in the “human” element” in their decision-making. 

• Deliberately consulting other types and considering their opinions before making decisions.

• Learning to thank and appreciate others for their efforts. 

• Asking others for feedback.

Common relationship Issues for INTJs

INTJs show caring by spending time with people discussing things of interest to them or doing something which stimulates both parties’ interests in some way.

INTJs like others to admire their intellectual abilities and their insights. They also like people to respect their need for privacy and time to reflect. 

INTJ Type Dynamics

Dominant – intuition  – introverted

Auxiliary -  thinking  -  extraverted

Tertiary   -   feeling

Inferior   -    sensing 

source: © Carol Craig | http://www.centreforconfidence.co.uk/type-resources.php?pid=376

INTJ Friendships and INTJ Females

INTJ Women - Not Your Typical Females

INTJ women are said to be very rare. INTJs make up 2-3% of the population according to most reputable personality surveys and experts. Of that 3%, only .5% to 1% are female. A few studies even say that only .3% of INTJs are female. Whatever the actual figure, that means that only .3 to 1% of the general population are INTJ females. That is very rare indeed.

Understandably after seeing that statistic, a lot of people have a hard time figuring out INTJ women as most of them are not into the usual girly stuff as much as other women. This is not to say that they are all tomboys, but they are more interested in science, technology, literature and are more bookish and logical can most females. For many INTJs, fashion is just for utility, such as to be appropriate for their given activity. This does not mean that INTJ don't like to look nice or feminine, but even when they show an interest in fashion, it is not obsessive, but is for form and function - i.e. for the purpose of looking neat, presentable and appropriate for the situation. I can relate to this as I didn't care much for fashion for most of my life, and actually dressed more goth (i.e. mostly black) in high school and college. I saw fashion as just a way to be myself, and have never followed fashion trends. I experimented with fashion for a short period in my life because people told me that I needed to project a certain image for my career. So, I purchased a lot of clothing, even in red and blue, but later, this got boring for me, as I thought it was illogical and trite if people judged me by the colors or brands of clothing I was wearing, rather than my merit. Now, I am back to mainly black clothing (though I do like red, but use it for accessories) because of it's utility and it's mystery. Ironically, I read in an INTJ forum once that most INTJs actually prefer black clothing.

One thing that is sure is that you will rarely find INTJ women enjoying shopping as if it was a sport or bonding experience, which most women do. I personally get utterly bored if shopping becomes the main activity that a friend prefers to do (although I make an exception for book shopping or antique stores for their novelty). I also get utterly annoyed when a friend insists on "dressing to the nines" or putting on a mask-ful of makeup for a simple lunch or dinner date with just the two of us. I am much more interested in what a friend has to say than what they are wearing. I used to have friends like that, and while I don't dislike them, I found these activities and behavior trite. Consequently, the few people that I consider my close friends after all these years are similar to me in this way.

Even deeper than fashion, INTJ women have a hard time relating to other females with their obsession over celebrities, shopping and relationship. This is not to say that they are not caring people, but they would much rather meet friends to discuss philosophy, physics or literature than what shoe they bought or which crush they have. In my own life, I have turned down many invitations of dinner or drinks with acquaintances to read a novel or watch a History Channel special. I am socially adept, but I prefer solitary activities or the company of a few close friends who share my interests.

In terms of expression of emotions, INTJ women sometimes are misunderstood. They actually feel deeply, but they are not as expressive. INTJ women may go weeks or even a few months without calling or hanging out with a friend, but care deeply about that friend. Personally, if a friend doesn't call me for a few weeks, as long as I know that they are doing all right, I don't hold it against them, although I will sometimes miss their company and intellectual stimulation. However, most women and men feel slighted when a friend does not show attention. I have made an effort over the years to be more consistent in things like that as social codes seem to require that consistency. So, I try to see my 5 close friends (who have gone through a rigorous process and analysis over the years in my mind for me to consider them close friends and who have demonstrated mutual interest and effort) every few weeks, or say something encouraging to them via email or Facebook show I am thinking of them. I will be honest and say that sentimental words whether said online or in person with friends still leave me feeling a bit uncomfortable, though. I certainly feel them and mean them, but I feel awkward expressing them.

INTJ Friendships

 Before I truly understood my type, I felt an uneasiness with myself. From as far as I could remember as a child, I was a bit of a loner with only 3 friends, whom I only hung out with once in a week. In Junior High, I spent more time with 2 close friends, who I am still very close with as we have many similar interests. Being a loner never bothered me and I was quite happy with solitary activities and my few close friends. However, in high school, I started to feel uneasy because the Western ideal is to praise popular or extroverted teens. I bounced from one group in the three years I was there (I finished high school a year early), my longest stay with few regular kids and a few punk/goth kids, but all these friendships faded after high school as I didn't have much in common with them as did my friendships in college, where I had quite a few friends. I continued to hang out with many friends after college, but while they were nice people, I felt little fulfillment from the friendships because I had little in common in terms of interests and personality. So, I started just hanging out with a few friends that I really relate to, and I couldn't be happier. As an INTJ, I can say from experience that it is true when profiles of us say that we would much rather have 3 very deep friendships, than 10 surface ones.

To be frank, I understand the value of friendship, but I really enjoy my own company. The world says that one should have a lot of friends and a large support network, but that just does not work for INTJs. We get bored very easily, and need very intellectual friends who would are not afraid to talk about serious matters. I used to force myself to see friends so they would not think that I didn't care, but now, I am very honest with friends and I see them every now and them, (unless they need me very badly, in which case I am reliable). True friends accept you as you are as long as you are respectful.

Friendship Advice for INTJS 

 So, to INTJs, be they male or female, I encourage you to first accept that there is nothing wrong with you to prefer solitary activities as long as it is not pathological (such as due to extreme depression). Secondly, I encourage you to seek friendships based on intellect, common interests, personality, values and mutual understanding. Do not hang out or have friends just to kill time or because 90% of the world thinks it should be so. Thirdly, make an effort to reach out to friends to hang out with them every now and then. I will confess that I have a loose schedule of when to see my friends. I know- it's very INTJ, to plan that. Fourthly, don't expect friends to understand you completely, but they must accept you if you are true friends, and you must accept them (respect debate is all right). INTJs are only 3% of the population, so you can't expect most people to understand you. It just means that you are different, but different is not bad. As you further yourself, your interests and your growth as a person, a few amazing friends will also come your way.

Letting go of Negativity & Criticism for Growth

I have been in a bit of a rut the last few weeks, and I cannot focus on work or studying. This is difficult for me as I work from home and study at home. My work does not pay very well, and is based on an hourly rate, so distractions and not being able to focus for hours means a loss in my pay. As for the studying, I have to take 2 GRE exams (general and subject) in the next few months, so I really do not have the luxury of loosing time.

Yet, when at home, I get distracted with reorganizing my possessions, cleaning the house, and going on the internet for hours. There were many times in my life when my focus was superb. I have been thinking about those times, and what facilitated that focus. I am an HSP (highly sensitive person), so I am affected by excessive sensory stimulation. However, since I do not have to deal with the stress of a micromanaging or domineering boss as before, my environment in terms of people is not the issue. However, I have worked out of a hotel for a few days every few weeks when visiting my husband when he is away for work, and my focus has been a lot better. I do get sidetracked and watch the history channel at times as I do not have cable at home, but overall, I am not as distracted and pull myself back after wasting time for a certain interval.

Looking back at my entire life and at the times when I was able to focus and also reflecting on why I am able to focus better away from home, I realize that my possessions and worrying about the well being of others seriously drain my energy. There is such a thing as doing too much of both. This morning, in the hotel, I started thinking about the several bins of clothing, shoes and bags that I have to go through as I am trying to weed out my clothing to have a more minimalist inventory. It brought me down so much that I unconsciously started surfing the web for a few hours to not think about it. Yesterday, I began to think about how needy some people in my life are for self assurance and for me to pick them up. This also weighed down on me and drained my energy as I realized after years of positive talk to them, only a person can change their own happiness, and it is selfish to ask others to do that. Although I am a caring person, I am also an INTJ, and I show care and love in different ways. However, what makes it hard to show care to these people as they have been very critical of me as a person, and also of me not showing enough even when I am trying. So, being that they are somewhat negative people and with their past history of being critical, I often feel guilty and drained when thinking about or trying to show care for them. This has affected my focus and my self esteem over the years because I feel that no matter what I do, it is not enough for them, and they do not accept me as I am.

I am certainly not an unfeeling person, and show care to my husband and 4 close friends often enough, but these people are positive or at least show me care in return. Very lopsided or one sided relationships where one is doing most of the giving or when demands are placed upon one who is not of the ability to fulfill them are draining and bad for the psyche. So, despite my guilty feelings, I have decided to limit contact with those people until I am at a healthier place psychologically to do so. I have spent my whole life in guilt in wanting to take care of myself first and have given a lot of my time and care that I did not have to extra to give due to it. However, after seeing a psychologist who noticed this pattern, and who told me that I had a right to care for myself too, I am trying to become healthier and raise my self esteem that has been broken directly and indirectly by negative people and many of emotional and verbal abuse.

When we are able to let go of the pain of the past, and build our self esteem and ourselves again, then we will be able to give. However, we cannot cover the pain with a false sheet of trying to be a good person and being a martyr for those we love. Otherwise, it only builds resentment that resurfaces later and actually taints the love or care that we feel for others. I am a private person, so I don't reveal things about myself such as I have above to most people. However, I do hope that others who have gone through verbal and emotional abuse that has affected their self esteem and sense of self worth would be brave enough to love themselves first before trying to love others.

Would you be happy without friends or possessions?

If you had no friends, no possessions or were isolated from these things for a period of time, would you still be happy?

I think that at the heart of unhappiness is unhappiness with the self.  Granted that we human are social beings, and we are phsyical beings, so we do need some social interaction and also the necessities of life, such as food, clothing and shelter. I think the things beyond the necessities of life bring us joy, such as art, music, books, and even lovely things. However, no matter how many friends we have and objects we may possess, without a healthy contentment in who we are as people, we cannot fully enjoy these things.

There are times when I have gone through periods of stress or depression, and I have purchased items, but I always knew that I am just procrastinating on facing my discomfort or discontent in a situation. Sometimes, I found that just as looking at nature's beauty brings me peace, the beauty of these objects brought me some joy. However, unlike the awe that nature inspires in me and the lessons that it teaches me, these objects soon loose their utility even in their beauty when I am struck with the reality of an apartment running out of space, money wasted or time having to care for these items. This is why I keep coming back to voluntary simplicity, and intend to stay there consistently from hereon.

However, de-cluttering or simplifying is not the entire solution to finding peace, purpose and bliss. I have seen and read a lot of films and surveys on happiness, and they often conclude that many people who have less than others are actually happier because they have a support network and a large group of friends and family. I meet people often, and I am not shy, but because I am an introvert and an HSP, I prefer to keep a small, but amazing group of friends and family. I enjoy time with them a great deal, and there is a mutual exchange of care and value,  but a part of me is well aware that I cannot rely on them for happiness or peace. In fact, after a week or several days of spending a lot of time with people, I often feel a little disconcerted and as if I need to find my center. I know that it is partly due to me being an introvert and HSP, but I also feel it is due to an existential awareness that happiness is deeper than people or things.

Happiness is not even in achievement as I know that I achieved a lot academically in my early years, but a few setbacks derailed me and made me loose confidence in my self worth as I associated it with success. I made a lot more money at my previous job than I do now, but I was still unhappy because I was not challenged and stimulated nor pursuing something creative or that I was passionate about.

From the few and wonderful moemnts and periods of bliss that I have experienced in my life, I would say that true happiness is when we are living in the moment and appreciating the moment - the good, the bad, the dark, the light - all that is around us, and when we are doing that thing that sets us afire, that comes naturally and that inspires us and is what I may dare say, we are put on this world to do. It is elusive staying in the moment or finding that thing that makes us come alive, but once you have a glimpse of it, that is what we must remind ourselves of. So, while I enjoy my family, friends and possessions, I am also had periods when I feel disconnected from others and/or disoriented with the things I own or where I am success-wise in life. These moments of inner turmoil and despair have been my teachers and reminders that I must try and keep aware of that elusive peace of the present and that driving power because nothing else has given me such pure and true peace.

INTJ friendships

Wow, this photo clearly explains why my Judging is only slightly/moderately expressed, which sometimes puts me over to INTP. I am certain I am INTJ, but I tend to be more tolerant with those I'm close to than the average stranger. I am very passionate about my few close friendships, and am forgiving of small things as I know I have my faults as well. I make friends easily, but I choose to have only a few close friends. This is because I tend to get distant and have have a hard time in changing my heart when someone loses my trust or does something very negative to me.

Holiday Parties & Socializing - INTJ / HSP perspective

I enjoy meeting new people and learning about their backgrounds and lives. What I do not like is having to talk to a lot of people at a party and schmooze with almost everyone. Sadly, that is what a lot of holiday parties are about the in business, corporate or any office type job.

I went to a holiday party on Monday, and while in the past, I would force myself to schmooze at any party, be it personal or for a job, this time, I just stayed low key. The reason I did this is because I understand and accept that while I have good social skills, and enjoy socializing in small groups, especially with people I know, and can do it when necessary, I don't particularly like socializing in itself. The small talk generally bores me and makes me feel drained the next day or that very night. On Tuesday, I felt a bit drained after the party, and this confirms what I have known and began to accept for almost two years now - I am a highly sensitive person. Before, I used to think that I felt overwhelmed because I was introverted and forced myself to speak to too many people in a group. However, this time, I spoke to only my three family members and said a few sentences to 2 people I knew from previously, and yet I was still exhausted and a little frazzled the next day.

For those who can identify with this experience, please read The Introvert Advantage by Marti Olsen Lacey, Psy. D and The Highly Sensitive Person by Dr. Elaine Aaron. These two books really changed my life, by helping me understand and accept myself and make the most of my qualities. I found that I needed to read both because although I am more introverted than extroverted, I am not to the far left of the introversion spectrum. This is because I do enjoy meeting and talking to people and going out and experiencing life. However, I still get very overwhelmed in groups and being out too much or from doing too much, which is due to my high sensitivity. You will find after reading these two books which applies more to you.

I will be posting some lessons I learned from these two books soon.