INTJ Friendships and INTJ Females

INTJ Women - Not Your Typical Females

INTJ women are said to be very rare. INTJs make up 2-3% of the population according to most reputable personality surveys and experts. Of that 3%, only .5% to 1% are female. A few studies even say that only .3% of INTJs are female. Whatever the actual figure, that means that only .3 to 1% of the general population are INTJ females. That is very rare indeed.

Understandably after seeing that statistic, a lot of people have a hard time figuring out INTJ women as most of them are not into the usual girly stuff as much as other women. This is not to say that they are all tomboys, but they are more interested in science, technology, literature and are more bookish and logical can most females. For many INTJs, fashion is just for utility, such as to be appropriate for their given activity. This does not mean that INTJ don't like to look nice or feminine, but even when they show an interest in fashion, it is not obsessive, but is for form and function - i.e. for the purpose of looking neat, presentable and appropriate for the situation. I can relate to this as I didn't care much for fashion for most of my life, and actually dressed more goth (i.e. mostly black) in high school and college. I saw fashion as just a way to be myself, and have never followed fashion trends. I experimented with fashion for a short period in my life because people told me that I needed to project a certain image for my career. So, I purchased a lot of clothing, even in red and blue, but later, this got boring for me, as I thought it was illogical and trite if people judged me by the colors or brands of clothing I was wearing, rather than my merit. Now, I am back to mainly black clothing (though I do like red, but use it for accessories) because of it's utility and it's mystery. Ironically, I read in an INTJ forum once that most INTJs actually prefer black clothing.

One thing that is sure is that you will rarely find INTJ women enjoying shopping as if it was a sport or bonding experience, which most women do. I personally get utterly bored if shopping becomes the main activity that a friend prefers to do (although I make an exception for book shopping or antique stores for their novelty). I also get utterly annoyed when a friend insists on "dressing to the nines" or putting on a mask-ful of makeup for a simple lunch or dinner date with just the two of us. I am much more interested in what a friend has to say than what they are wearing. I used to have friends like that, and while I don't dislike them, I found these activities and behavior trite. Consequently, the few people that I consider my close friends after all these years are similar to me in this way.

Even deeper than fashion, INTJ women have a hard time relating to other females with their obsession over celebrities, shopping and relationship. This is not to say that they are not caring people, but they would much rather meet friends to discuss philosophy, physics or literature than what shoe they bought or which crush they have. In my own life, I have turned down many invitations of dinner or drinks with acquaintances to read a novel or watch a History Channel special. I am socially adept, but I prefer solitary activities or the company of a few close friends who share my interests.

In terms of expression of emotions, INTJ women sometimes are misunderstood. They actually feel deeply, but they are not as expressive. INTJ women may go weeks or even a few months without calling or hanging out with a friend, but care deeply about that friend. Personally, if a friend doesn't call me for a few weeks, as long as I know that they are doing all right, I don't hold it against them, although I will sometimes miss their company and intellectual stimulation. However, most women and men feel slighted when a friend does not show attention. I have made an effort over the years to be more consistent in things like that as social codes seem to require that consistency. So, I try to see my 5 close friends (who have gone through a rigorous process and analysis over the years in my mind for me to consider them close friends and who have demonstrated mutual interest and effort) every few weeks, or say something encouraging to them via email or Facebook show I am thinking of them. I will be honest and say that sentimental words whether said online or in person with friends still leave me feeling a bit uncomfortable, though. I certainly feel them and mean them, but I feel awkward expressing them.

INTJ Friendships

 Before I truly understood my type, I felt an uneasiness with myself. From as far as I could remember as a child, I was a bit of a loner with only 3 friends, whom I only hung out with once in a week. In Junior High, I spent more time with 2 close friends, who I am still very close with as we have many similar interests. Being a loner never bothered me and I was quite happy with solitary activities and my few close friends. However, in high school, I started to feel uneasy because the Western ideal is to praise popular or extroverted teens. I bounced from one group in the three years I was there (I finished high school a year early), my longest stay with few regular kids and a few punk/goth kids, but all these friendships faded after high school as I didn't have much in common with them as did my friendships in college, where I had quite a few friends. I continued to hang out with many friends after college, but while they were nice people, I felt little fulfillment from the friendships because I had little in common in terms of interests and personality. So, I started just hanging out with a few friends that I really relate to, and I couldn't be happier. As an INTJ, I can say from experience that it is true when profiles of us say that we would much rather have 3 very deep friendships, than 10 surface ones.

To be frank, I understand the value of friendship, but I really enjoy my own company. The world says that one should have a lot of friends and a large support network, but that just does not work for INTJs. We get bored very easily, and need very intellectual friends who would are not afraid to talk about serious matters. I used to force myself to see friends so they would not think that I didn't care, but now, I am very honest with friends and I see them every now and them, (unless they need me very badly, in which case I am reliable). True friends accept you as you are as long as you are respectful.

Friendship Advice for INTJS 

 So, to INTJs, be they male or female, I encourage you to first accept that there is nothing wrong with you to prefer solitary activities as long as it is not pathological (such as due to extreme depression). Secondly, I encourage you to seek friendships based on intellect, common interests, personality, values and mutual understanding. Do not hang out or have friends just to kill time or because 90% of the world thinks it should be so. Thirdly, make an effort to reach out to friends to hang out with them every now and then. I will confess that I have a loose schedule of when to see my friends. I know- it's very INTJ, to plan that. Fourthly, don't expect friends to understand you completely, but they must accept you if you are true friends, and you must accept them (respect debate is all right). INTJs are only 3% of the population, so you can't expect most people to understand you. It just means that you are different, but different is not bad. As you further yourself, your interests and your growth as a person, a few amazing friends will also come your way.