Letting go of Negativity & Criticism for Growth

I have been in a bit of a rut the last few weeks, and I cannot focus on work or studying. This is difficult for me as I work from home and study at home. My work does not pay very well, and is based on an hourly rate, so distractions and not being able to focus for hours means a loss in my pay. As for the studying, I have to take 2 GRE exams (general and subject) in the next few months, so I really do not have the luxury of loosing time.

Yet, when at home, I get distracted with reorganizing my possessions, cleaning the house, and going on the internet for hours. There were many times in my life when my focus was superb. I have been thinking about those times, and what facilitated that focus. I am an HSP (highly sensitive person), so I am affected by excessive sensory stimulation. However, since I do not have to deal with the stress of a micromanaging or domineering boss as before, my environment in terms of people is not the issue. However, I have worked out of a hotel for a few days every few weeks when visiting my husband when he is away for work, and my focus has been a lot better. I do get sidetracked and watch the history channel at times as I do not have cable at home, but overall, I am not as distracted and pull myself back after wasting time for a certain interval.

Looking back at my entire life and at the times when I was able to focus and also reflecting on why I am able to focus better away from home, I realize that my possessions and worrying about the well being of others seriously drain my energy. There is such a thing as doing too much of both. This morning, in the hotel, I started thinking about the several bins of clothing, shoes and bags that I have to go through as I am trying to weed out my clothing to have a more minimalist inventory. It brought me down so much that I unconsciously started surfing the web for a few hours to not think about it. Yesterday, I began to think about how needy some people in my life are for self assurance and for me to pick them up. This also weighed down on me and drained my energy as I realized after years of positive talk to them, only a person can change their own happiness, and it is selfish to ask others to do that. Although I am a caring person, I am also an INTJ, and I show care and love in different ways. However, what makes it hard to show care to these people as they have been very critical of me as a person, and also of me not showing enough even when I am trying. So, being that they are somewhat negative people and with their past history of being critical, I often feel guilty and drained when thinking about or trying to show care for them. This has affected my focus and my self esteem over the years because I feel that no matter what I do, it is not enough for them, and they do not accept me as I am.

I am certainly not an unfeeling person, and show care to my husband and 4 close friends often enough, but these people are positive or at least show me care in return. Very lopsided or one sided relationships where one is doing most of the giving or when demands are placed upon one who is not of the ability to fulfill them are draining and bad for the psyche. So, despite my guilty feelings, I have decided to limit contact with those people until I am at a healthier place psychologically to do so. I have spent my whole life in guilt in wanting to take care of myself first and have given a lot of my time and care that I did not have to extra to give due to it. However, after seeing a psychologist who noticed this pattern, and who told me that I had a right to care for myself too, I am trying to become healthier and raise my self esteem that has been broken directly and indirectly by negative people and many of emotional and verbal abuse.

When we are able to let go of the pain of the past, and build our self esteem and ourselves again, then we will be able to give. However, we cannot cover the pain with a false sheet of trying to be a good person and being a martyr for those we love. Otherwise, it only builds resentment that resurfaces later and actually taints the love or care that we feel for others. I am a private person, so I don't reveal things about myself such as I have above to most people. However, I do hope that others who have gone through verbal and emotional abuse that has affected their self esteem and sense of self worth would be brave enough to love themselves first before trying to love others.