INTJ Personal Growth

Source: http://www.personalitypage.com/html/INTJ_per.html

What does Success mean to an INTJ?
People with the INTJ personality type are serious, analytical and perfectionistic. They look at a problem or idea from multiple perspectives and systematically analyze it with objective logic, discarding things that turn out to be problematic, and evolving their own understanding of something when new information turns out to be useful. There is no other personality type who does this as naturally as the INTJ. They are natural scientists and mathematicians. Once given an idea, they are driven to understand it as thoroughly as possible. They usually have very high standards for their own understanding and accomplishments, and generally will only value and consider other individuals who have shown that they meet or surpass the INTJ's own understanding on a given issue. INTJs value clarity and conciseness, and have little esteem for behaviors and attitudes that are purely social. Social "niceties" often seem unnecessary and perhaps even ungenuine to the INTJ, who is always seeking to improve their substantive understanding. INTJ's highly value social interaction that is centered around the meaningful exchange of ideas, but they usually dismiss the importance of being friendly or likeable in other social contexts, and they are likely to be uncomfortable with interactions that are primarily emotional, rather than logical. INTJs value structure, order, knowledge, competence, and logic. Above all, they value their own ideas and intuitions about the world. An INTJ's feeling of success depends primarily upon their own level of understanding and accomplishment, but also depends upon the level of structure in their life, and their ability to respect the intelligence and competence of those who share their life.
Allowing Your INTJ Strengths to Flourish
As an INTJ, you have gifts that are specific to your personality type that aren't natural strengths for other types. By recognizing your special gifts and encouraging their growth and development, you will more readily see your place in the world, and be more content with your role.
Nearly all INTJs will recognize the following characteristics in themselves. They should embrace and nourish these strengths:

• The INTJ's mind is naturally geared towards systematically analyzing information from many contextual perspectives, and rejecting or retaining information as they become aware of its usefulness or validity. They probably do very well in school, and in any pursuit that requires serious analytical thinking.
• They're extremely insightful, and see things that are not obvious to others. This ability to see patterns and meanings in the world can help the INTJ in many different ways.
• When given a goal or context, an INTJ is able to generate all kinds of possibilities. They're able to see the problem from many different angles, and come up with a solution that fits the needs of the current situation.
• They don't take criticism personally, and are open to changing their opinions when they're shown a better idea or better way of doing something.
• An INTJ has a "stick to it" attitude. They're not afraid of hard work, and will put forth a great deal of effort towards something that they are interested in. This persistence will help the INTJ to achieve any identified goal.
• Usually intelligent and able to concentrate and focus, the INTJ can usually grasp difficult ideas and concepts.

INTJs who have a well-developed Extraverted Thinking function to complement their dominant Introverted iNtuition will enjoy these very special gifts:

• They can discriminate well amongst their intuitions and build ingenious systems to meet identified goals, or determine a successful plan of action to meet an identified need. In such a way, they may be brilliant scientists, doctors, mathematicians, or corporate strategists.
• Their deep understanding, logical abilities, and persistence may enable them to make discoveries or uncover new ways of looking at something. In such a way, they may perform a great service to society. For example, an INTJ is the likely personality type to discover the cure for cancer.
• The INTJ with well-developed judgment will be able to grasp and process concepts that are beyond what their natural intelligence appears to be able to handle.
• If they have achieved a good amount of life wisdom, an INTJ can become a powerful political force.

Potential Problem Areas
With any gift of strength, there is an associated weakness. Without "bad", there would be no "good". Without "difficult", there would be no "easy". We value our strengths, but we often curse and ignore our weaknesses. To grow as a person and get what we want out of life, we must not only capitalize upon our strengths, but also face our weaknesses and deal with them. That means taking a hard look at our personality type's potential problem areas.
INTJs are rare and intelligent people with many special gifts. This should be kept in mind as you read some of the more negative material about INTJ weaknesses. Remember that these weaknesses are natural. We offer this information to enact positive change, rather than as blatant criticism. We want you to grow into your full potential, and be the happiest and most successful person that you can become.
Most of the weaker characteristics that are found in INTJs are due to their dominant function (Introverted iNtuition) overtaking their personality to the point that the other forces in their personality exist merely to serve the purposes of Introverted iNtuition. In such cases, an INTJ may show some or all of the following weaknesses in varying degrees:

• May be unaware (and sometimes uncaring) of how they come across to others
• May quickly dismiss input from others without really considering it
• May apply their judgment more often towards others, rather than towards themselves
• With their ability to see an issue from many sides, they may always find others at fault for problems in their own lives
• May look at external ideas and people with the primary purpose of finding fault
• May take pride in their ability to be critical and find fault in people and things
• May have unrealistic and/or unreasonable expectations of others
• May be intolerant of weaknesses in others
• May believe that they're always right
• May be cuttingly derisive and sarcastic towards others
• May have an intense and quick temper
• May hold grudges, and have difficulty forgiving people
• May be wishy-washy and unsure how to act in situations that require quick decision making
• May have difficulty communicating their thoughts and feelings to others
• May see so many tangents everywhere that they can't stay focused on the bottom line or the big picture

Explanation of Problems
Most of the problems described above are a result of Introverted iNtuition overtaking the INTJ's personality to the point that all of the other functions become slaves to Introverted iNtuition. A healthy personality needs to have a good balance between its dominant and auxiliary functions. For an INTJ, the dominant Introverted iNtuition needs to be well-supported by the auxiliary Extraverted Thinking function. If Extraverted Thinking exists only to support the desires of Introverted iNtuition, then neither function is being used to its potential.
Introverted iNtuition is a personality function that constantly gathers information, and sees everything from many different perspectives. As the dominant player in a personality, it has the effect of constantly bombarding the psyche with new information to consider. Introverted iNtuition is sort of like a framework for understanding that exists in the mind. As something is perceived, it is melded into the existing intuitive framework. If an entirely new piece of information is perceived by the Introverted iNtuitive, that person must redefine their entire framework of reference. So, Introverted iNtuitives are constantly taking in information about the world that needs to be processed in a relatively lengthy manner in order to be understood. That presents quite a challenge to the INTJ. It's not unusual for an INTJ to feel overwhelmed with all of the things that he or she needs to consider in order to fully understand an idea or situation.
When Introverted iNtuition dominates the INTJ such that the other functions cannot serve their own purposes, we find the INTJ cutting off information that it needs to consider. If the psyche is presented with information that looks anything like something that Introverted iNtuition has processed in the past, it uses Extraverted Thinking to quickly reject that information. The psyche uses Extraverted Thinking to reject the ideas, rather than analyzing the information within its intuitive framework, and therefore reduces the likelihood that the framework will have to be reshaped and redefined.
Using Extraverted Thinking in this manner serves the INTJ's psyche in two ways: 1) it saves it the energy that would have to be expended to truly consider new information, and 2) it protects the INTJ's sacred inner world. In either case, it is not ideal. It causes the INTJ to not consider information that may be useful or criticial in developing a real understanding of an issue. It also probably causes the INTJ to come off as too strongly opinionated or snobbish to others.
The better use of Extraverted Thinking for an INTJ would be to use it to assess the INTJ's rich insights and weigh them against the external world. When the INTJ personality uses Extraverted Thinking to cut off incoming information, rather than to judge internal intuitions, it is effectively cheating itself. It's like getting the answers to a test without having to really understand the questions. It's easier to get the answer right away, rather than to have to figure everything out. For the INTJ, who has a tremendous amount of information and "studying" that needs to be done, it's very tempting to take shortcuts. Most INTJs will do this to some extent. The real problems occur when an INTJ personality has become so imbalanced that its owner is extremely self-important and rarely consider anyone else's opinions or ideas.
Solutions
To grow as an individual, the INTJ needs to focus on applying their judgment to things only after they have gone through their intuition. In other words, the INTJ needs to consciously try not to use their judgment to dismiss ideas prematurely. Rather, they should use their judgment against their own ideas. One cannot effectively judge something that they don't understand. The INTJ needs to take things entirely into their intuition in order to understand them. It may be neccesary to give your intuition enough time to work through the new information so that it can rebuild its global framework of understanding. INTJs need to focus on using their judgment not to dismiss ideas, but rather to support their intuitive framework.
An INTJ who is concerned with personal growth will pay close attention to the subject of their judgments, and their motivation for making judgments. Are they judging something external to themself, or are they judging something that they have sifted through their intuition? Is the motivation for judging something to be able to understand its usefulness in the world, or to dismiss it? Too often, an INTJ will judge something without properly understanding it, and with the intention of dismissing it. Seek first to understand, then to judge.
Living Happily in our World as an INTJ
Some INTJs have difficulty fitting into our society. Their problems are generally associated with not knowing (or caring) how they come across to others, with having unreasonable expectations for others' behaviors, and with not putting forth effort to meet others' emotional needs. These issues stem primarily from the common INTJ habit of using Extraverted Thinking to find fault externally, rather than internally, and therefore diminish the importance of the external world, and increase the importance of the INTJ's own internal world. INTJs who recognize that their knowledge and understanding (and therefore general happiness and feeling of success) can be enriched by the synergy of other people's knowledge and understanding will find that they can be committed to their rich internal worlds and still have satisfying relationships with others. In order to accomplish this, the INTJ needs to recognize the importance of extraversion, and develop their highest extraverted function, Extraverted Thinking.
An INTJ who uses Extraverted Thinking to find fault externally rather than internally may become so strongly opinionated that they form rigid and unreasonable expectations for others. Their hyper-vigilant judgments about the rationality and competence of others may be a very effective way of keeping themselves at an emotional distance from others. This will preserve the sanctity of the INTJ's inner world of ideas, but will reduce a lot of valuable input, arrest the development of their social character, and stagnate the development of the INTJ's rich structural framework of understanding. In extreme cases, the INTJ may find himself or herself quite along and lonely.
More commonly, an INTJ's interpersonal problems will occur when they express their displeasure to those close to them in very biting and hurtful terms. Everyone needs emotional distance at one time or another, and the INTJ wants more than most types. Perhaps this is why INTJs are famous for their biting sarcasm. An INTJ's internal world is extremely important to them. They may be protecting their internal world by using sarcasm to keep others at an emotional distance, or they may be sarcastic with others because they believe that they have the more evolved and logical understanding of the issue at hand, and seek to cut off the spurious input that they're receiving. This is an important distinction to recognize. An INTJ who is seeking an emotional respite can find ways to be alone that don't require injuring feelings and damaging relationships. When distance is required, the INTJ should just "leave". If an explanation is necessary, an INTJ should use their Extraverted Thinking to explain their need rationally and objectively, rather than using Extraverted Thinking to insult the other person, and therefore prod them into leaving.
Specific suggestions:

• Take care to listen to someone's idea entirely before you pass judgment on it. Ask questions if necessary. Do whatever it takes to make sure that you understand the idea. Try not to begin judging anything about the idea until you have understood it entirely.
• Before you begin talking to another person, pause for a moment and look at that person. Take in that person's attitude and feelings at that moment. Be aware of the person with whom you're speaking.
• If you become upset, walk away immediately. DO NOT express anger. When you get angry, you lose. After you have calmed down, apologize for leaving and continue with what you were doing.
• Try to identify the personality type of everyone that you encounter frequently in your life. Remember that people with the Sensing preference need to be communicated with in a direct, concise manner. Speak plainly and simply with Sensors, giving "yes" or "no" answers.
• Try to be on good terms with all people, even those that you consider beneath you. Try to understand that everybody has something to offer.
• When you make judgments or decisions, try to be aware of your motivation for making the judgment. Are you more interested in finding fault externally, or in improving your own understanding? Seek first to understand, and then to judge.

Ten Rules to Live By to Achieve INTJ Success

1. Feed Your Strengths! Do things that allow your brilliant intuition and logical abilities to flourish. Explore the fascinating worlds of science, mathematics, law and medicine. Give your mind an outlet for its exceptional analytical abilities, and watch them grow.
2. Face Your Weaknesses! See your weaknesses for what they are, and seek to overcome them. Especially, strive to use your judgment against your internal ideas and intuitions, rather than as a means of disregarding other people's ideas.
3. Talk Through Your Thoughts. You need to step through your intuitions in order to put them into perspective. Give yourself time to do this, and take advantage of discussing ideas with others. You'll find externalizing your internal intuitions to be a valuable exercise. If you don't have someone to discuss your ideas with, try expressing your ideas clearly in writing.
4. Take in Everything. Don't dismiss ideas prematurely because you don't respect the person generating the ideas, or because you think you already know it all. After all, everybody has something to offer, and nobody knows everything. Steven Covey says it so well when he says: "Seek first to understand, and then to be understood."
5. When You Get Angry, You Lose. Your passion and intensity are strong assets, but can be very harmful if you allow yourself to fall into the "Anger Trap". Remember that Anger is destructive to your personal relationships. Work through your anger before you impress it upon others, or you will likely find yourself alone. Disagreements and disappointments can only be handled effectively in a non-personal and dispassionate manner.
6. Respect your Need for Intellectual Compatibility Don't expect yourself to be a "touchy-feely" or "warm-fuzzy" person. Realize that your most ardent bonds with others will start with the head, rather than the heart. Be aware of other's emotional needs, and express your genuine love and respect for them in terms that are real to YOU. Be yourself.
7. Be Accountable for Yourself. Don't blame the problems in your life on other people. Look inwardly for solutions. No one has more control over your life than you have.
8. Be Humble. Judge yourself at least as harshly as you judge others.
9. Assume the Best. Don't distress yourself and others by dwelling on the dark side of everything. Just as there is a positive charge for every negative charge, there is a light side to every dark side. Remember that positive situations are created by positive attitudes. Expect the best, and the best will come forward.
10. Don't Get Isolated! Recognize the value that the external world represents to you, and interact with it in the style that's natural to you. Join clubs and internet e-mail lists that house in-depth discussions of topics that you're interested in. Seek and foster friendships with others of like competence and capacity for understanding. Extravert in your own style.

INTJ career perspectives

INTP as Children

The Development of INTP Children

INTP: Question Authority
'I've never won an argument with her. She's raised the act of hairsplitting to an art form.'

The most important and characteristically developed part of an INTP of any age is a keen sense of logic and fairness. They are highly analytical and draw conclusions based upon the logical consequences of actions. INTPs are also creative and original thinkers, able to see possibilities and patterns all around them. Parenting them requires patience and the willingness to let them explore, follow their natural curiosity, and develop their own unique and often offbeat path. Strongly individualistic and fiercely independent, INTPs need plenty of freedom, challenge, and the opportunity to continually learn new things.

The examples that follow are drawn from stories of real children. But since all people are unique, your INTP may not demonstrate all of the characteristics described or may not demonstrate them with the same degree of intensity. But if your child really is an INTP, most of what you read should sound strikingly familiar.

Preschool INTPs
Birth to Age 4

To many parents of INTPs, it may seem that their baby is really an adult, trapped inside a child's body! A bit remote and totally self-contained, INTP babies are generally calm, placid, and serious. They are usually content to sit and observe the world and the people around them, curious and stimulated by anything new or novel. They are most interested in learning new things and tend to be very autonomous, with a strong craving for mastery that follows them throughout their lives. INTPs are not generally very affectionate, smiley, or demonstrative infants, nor are they usually tearful or weepy children. Naturally detached and generally unemotional, INTPs seem to be always a bit removed from those around them, even their parents. They are eager to do things for themselves, and, even as small children, are typically more stoic, aloof, and impersonal than children of other types.

• When Margaret was three, she announced to her parents that she wanted no more hugs and kisses from them. When they protested, she paused a moment and then compromised: 'OK, you can hug me sometimes, but only when I say so, and only at home.' Sometimes, when she really wanted something her parents had refused her, she would try to bargain with them, offering to hug or kiss them in exchange for giving her what she wanted!

Most INTP toddlers like and need lots of time alone and are quickly tired when they are handled by lots of people. They may even be selective and sensitive to too much external stimulation, which can show up as being highly choosy about foods, smells, and the touch of strangers. INTPs tend to be hesitant about new people, as well, and as toddlers are more apt to stand back from groups and watch the social action for long periods before joining in. And, often as not, INTPs may choose not to join at all. They will not be rushed or pushed into doing anything they do not want to do. They prefer talk and play that is one-on-one rather than in large groups.

• Doug had a large extended family, all of whom lived in the same town. So his family was forever hosting large family gatherings, and all major holidays were celebrated in his house. Even during the child-oriented parties like Easter, Christmas, and birthdays, Doug would begin to droop after too much people contact. When he was a baby, he would begin to fuss or cry if too many people held him. Once he was able to talk, he simply pulled his mother aside and told her he wanted to go to bed.

While most INTPs tend to be reserved and do not freely tell you what they are thinking, their early language is often surprisingly articulate and sophisticated. They may use creative and unusual ways of describing experiences. When three year old Aster's feet fell asleep, she described the tingling pins and needles sensation by saying there were 'sparkles' in her feet. Young INTPs tend to be quiet for long periods of time, thinking things through, and then announce with clarity and confidence an insight they've had or a correlation they have made between unrelated things. Even as preschoolers, they frequently start sentences with, 'So what you're saying is...', showing how easily they can synthesize information into a premise or theory. INTPs are naturally global thinkers and demonstrate plenty of evidence of their ability to make connections easily and accurately. But they will usually share these insights only with their parents or other people they know very well and trust. Publicly, they appear shy and watchful.

• When Peter was only two, he stood in the crib and said, 'Square, circle, square. Square, circle, square.' At first his parents didn't understand what he was saying and wondered if he was asking for a particular toy. Finally they realized he was looking behind them and describing the pattern in the wallpaper.

The frequent questions INTPs ask are often startling ones. INTPs are very curious and interested in understanding why things are as they are. They are usually not satisfied with anything less than clear and complete answers and would really prefer to explore and figure out the mechanical underpinnings of objects and their principles of operation than listen to anyone describe how they work. So many young INTPs like to take things apart – everything from ballpoint pens to clock radios. Often, they would rather take their toys apart and put them back together than play with them in more conventional ways. And INTPs often ask surprising and irreverent questions about concerns and issues way beyond their years.

• Nickie's family called her the 'why' child. She tended to be silent for long periods of time and then suddenly ask questions that seemed to come out of left field. Once, she wanted to know how scientists determined that certain berries were poisonous. She asked, 'How did they find it out? Did they feed them to old women to see if they died?' After church one day when she was four, Nickie asked her mother, 'How do we know there's only one God? Has anyone seen Him?' Pat answers were never sufficient, and no amount of surprise or sometimes even shocked reactions from adults diminished her curiosity or deferred her questioning.

A pattern of silence followed by short periods of high energy and interaction is common among INTPs. Their need for action and social connection is met in bursts that are unpredictable in nature and few and far between. But most INTPs spend much of their lives inside their own heads. They are very internal people and require lots of time and space to think things through and understand the world around them. Clearly, they enjoy their private musings. They love creative toys, building materials, puzzles, and any open-ended activity without rules or restrictions. They frequently have just one good friend and nearly always would rather learn something on their own than learn as part of a group. While they are usually hesitant around new people, they are often fearless about taking on physical challenges. Characteristically, they exude quiet confidence and calmly and casually master new challenges as other, less adventurous children look on.

The Joys and Challenges of Raising Preschool INTPs

Perhaps the biggest challenge of raising preschool INTPs is that they can often be so remote and emotionally distant from their parents and their families. Feeling parents, hungry for expressions of affection and appreciation, may feel rebuffed or ignored by their independent and analytical INTPs. Even young INTPs are not easily offended and seem to have been born with a thick skin, impervious to the opinions or criticisms of others. They tend to be very honest – even blunt – but are typically unaware of the emotional impact their words or actions have on others. They may be confused and irritated at the extent to which other members of their families or their friends personalize things.

• Four year old Justine had frequent arguments with her more Feeling six year old sister, Kimberly. During these arguments, Kimberly's feelings were often hurt and she would accuse Justine of being mean 'on purpose', which infuriated Justine. Their mother watched the dynamics between them and saw that Justice did indeed step on her sister's toes in many ways with her super-logical and direct approach and her analytical reactions. But Justine was always baffled when Kimberley was hurt, because she reasoned that since she never meant to be mean, her sister shouldn't blame her for it. Justine was not able to see that the effect of her actions was the same, regardless of her intent.

While INTPs do have an innate sense of fairness, they are not naturally empathetic. Young INTPs are rarely malicious or intentionally cold, but they are generally unaware of and unaffected by the feelings of other people. They are not persuaded or convinced by anything but pure and flawless logic. When parents shout or rage or otherwise respond with great emotion to the INTP's misbehavior, the child usually looks confused or even condescending – as though the parents are crazy for overreacting. It takes a lot more to elicit an emotional outburst from an INTP than from children of many other types. Since INTPs seem to learn only from the logical consequences of their actions, nothing but experiencing the natural and social consequence of their insensitivity will have any effect. As parents, we can calmly and patiently allow them to learn on their own, over time, the intrinsic value and tangible positive results of expressing warmth or doing things to help others. But empathy and sensitivity, just like an openness and willingness to share what they are feeling, are hard-learned skills for INTPs.

Because preschool INTPs are so naturally curious about how things work and are typically driven by their innate inquisitiveness to explore the world around them, they often take physical risks that alarm or frighten their parents. They tend to climb on high counters, make ladders from dresser drawers to get on top of furniture, and otherwise use their imaginations and excellent powers of creative problem solving to overcome obstacles. Their everyday play seems to just naturally push the limits of both safety and acceptability. And for some reason – perhaps because of their inherent danger and the fact that they are strictly off-limits – stoves seem to hold especially seductive powers to many, many INTPs.

• When Kenny was four, he climbed into the oven and then turned it on. Fortunately, his wary mother was never too far behind him, and she quickly scooped him out of the oven. He also liked to turn on the garbage disposal, and once his exasperated mother found him on top of the refrigerator calmly eating a bagel.

INTPs are unaffected by and rarely dissuaded by rules, limits, or even barriers. They seem to be always one step ahead, able to figure out cunning and creative ways of getting what they want or exploring that which intrigues them. Naturally nonconforming, they are skeptical, even disdainful, of rules. They will just quietly and purposefully go ahead and do what they have been told repeatedly not to do. Many parents of young INTPs report numerous occasions when their preschool children just walked away from them, crossed streets by themselves, or let themselves out of locked gates. Combine an innate spirit of wanderlust with ingenious problem solving and you get a child who is almost unstoppable and nearly unrestrainable.

• The first time four year old Eric got into his father's toolbox, his parents bought a lock for it to keep him safe from the saws, nails, and other sharp tools. Soon after that, however, Eric got out of his bed, crept downstairs to the basement, and carefully removed the hinges on the box in order to open it.

Because they are more often in their own world, young INTPs can be difficult to motivate and get moving. Trying to push young INTPs into social situations they do not feel comfortable in is a common mistake parents make. In particular, Extraverted parents, eager to get their children involved with friends and activities, unwittingly communicate displeasure with and, more damaging, an intolerance of, their INTP child's innate desire and need for privacy. Above all, INTPs of any age need to be competent. They do not want to be placed in social situations in which they feel awkward or unsure.

Impulsive and adaptive, INTPs are happiest when they are afforded as much time and space as possible. They will not be rushed, and emotional appeals or even threats have little or no effect. These children move along at their own pace, unaware and unconcerned about time, structure, or the inconvenience they may be placing on their parents. While it can be trying to accommodate a young INTP's pace, it may well require some parents to reassess their priorities, especially those with busy schedules and a strong need for punctuality and order. By recognizing and accepting these natural INTP tendencies, rather than resisting them, parents can instead put their energy into finding happy and constructive compromises. The alternative is a very long and unproductive battle with this type of child.

School-Aged INTPs
Age 5 to 10

Most school-aged INTPs enjoy the increased personal freedom they gain as they get older. For many INTPs, nothing affords them more independence and freedom than learning to ride a bicycle. With their bikes, they have the means to explore and be on their own without structure or a plan. It's no wonder that so many INTPs report spending hours of contented time alone riding. Exploring the woods, creeks, or the rest of the world around them is another favorite pastime for school-aged INTPs. Most really like reading, have eclectic and varied tastes, and especially enjoying books involving fantasy or science fiction. INTPs also like comics, and many even read encyclopedias for fun because they enjoy learning about whatever subject catches their fancy.

• Like many other elementary school-aged INTPs, Meagan loved going to the movies or watching TV. She had a real interest in science, and from the time she was three liked to watch the Discovery Channel and public television documentaries on all sorts of obscure subjects. Some of her favorites included those about inventors, scientific experiments, or the habits of sea life and other animals. .She was never squeamish and was not easily frightened or disgusted by even the most graphic views of diseases or the internal workings of the human body.

By the time many INTPs begin school, they are already masters of the computer, flying around in cyberspace or whizzing through the most challenging video games. Their minds are well suited to understanding the essentially logical workings of a computer. INTPs are also at home with a computer's many creative possibilities and the unlimited opportunities to dabble with and explore whatever piques their interests. Given their high need for time alone and their penchant for 'noodling' things around inside their heads, it's no wonder that most or all of the favorite activities of INTPs are fairly intellectual and usually pretty solitary and internal.

While some INTPs are real sports fans and enjoy being a part of a team or following their favorite ones, most gain more pleasure from pursuing individual sports. Many especially enjoy the freedom and personal challenge of water and snow skiing, tennis, or the solitude provided by fishing. INTPs seem to be good at just anything that truly interests them and are often able to get excellent results with minimal effort. But for the most part, INTPs are specialists rather than generalists and during these school years may find a focus of interest into which they pour themselves.

• Nine year old Frank enjoyed putting model cars and planes together. He had his own set of tools and could deftly assemble very complicated models by himself in almost no time. When he got a little older, he took to restoring old cars, taking them completely apart and putting them back together, returning them to mint condition. But the process usually required months and completely took over the entire garage and driveway.

Other passions of INTPs include building forts in the woods (or in the living room with boxes and blankets), using various materials to create art, listening to music or books on tape, playing games of skill and strategy like chess or bridge, and just fooling around with electronic games and toys.

• Gill's two favorite things to play with were his gerbils and his remote-control airplane. So it seemed only natural he would find a way to combine these two interests. One day when he was ten, his parents looked out into the back yard to find Gill giving his gerbils, Orville and Wilbur, the flight (or was it fright?) of their lives – as passengers in his remote-control airplane.

Socially, most INTPs find a best friend during their elementary school years and often maintain that relationship for years. Like other strong Thinking types, some INTP girls find themselves even more socially ill at ease than others their age because they are not interested in or adept at conforming to the socially expected 'female' behavior and dress of their peers. They may find other girls 'too girly' for them and are likely instead to befriend to less-liked, quirkier kids in school, as well as the social outcasts of their class. Because INTPs are not eager joiners of groups like Scouts or other social or civic clubs or teams, they often don't have the same easy access to meeting new friends. Even so, they are usually content to be loners or to hang around with one good friend with the same casual, easygoing style as they.

The Joys and Challenges of Raising School-Aged INTPs

In school, many INTPs find it hard to stay engaged or focused on anything that is the least bit repetitive or routine. They, perhaps more than any other type, love a steep and continuous learning curve and need ferociously high expectations from their teachers in order to be motivated to participate at all. Since they are so selective and are somewhat uncomfortable in 'public', they may not speak up in class. Knowing the material may even keep them from participating because they so dislike redundancy. As one INTP said, 'The only thing worse than talking about something twice is thinking about something I've already thought.' Many INTPs exhibit a superior attitude that seems to say, 'I already know the right answer, so why should I bother announcing it?' For most INTPs, their internal standards are much more interesting and important to them than any external standard imposed by other. They may decide that since they know they can do something, they don't need to actually do it! And since they often don't feel compelled to demonstrate all that they know, they may sometimes surprise those around them when they do choose to speak up.

• Nine year old Carly stunned her father one evening when she contributed to a discussion a group of adult neighbors were having at a picnic. They were debating the ethics of research and testing on animals. Normally, Carly never volunteered her thoughts, even though her father knew she listened intently, and read extensively about this issue. Above all, however, her father was impressed when she demonstrated how much she really understood about the subtleties of the subject.

Because internal standards matter so much more to INTPs than external ones, tests and report cards hold little meaning and rarely serve to motivate the under-achieving INTP. INTPs must follow their intellectual curiosity to find a source of inspiration. If and when they find it, they can demonstrate amazing determination and creative energy. Parents of INTPs are advised to stay ever alert for some subject or endeavor that has captured their INTP's interest so they can encourage and support his or her continued pursuit of it. And they may need to work harder on their child's behalf to convince teachers to take the time and energy necessary to inspire INTP children.

Parenting such an internal child can pose challenges for parents concerned about keeping lines of communication open. They usually find their INTPs do not offer any information and sit silently at the dinner table while the rest of the family share details of their day. INTPs are generally reluctant to risk exposing their vulnerabilities or insecurities to their families. But they may also just not consider offering anything unless they are asked. Parents need to take the time to really listen when their INTP begins to open up. Often ,we parents are so busy doing several tasks at once that we expect our child to simply hop into the rushing river that is our lives, swim alongside, and keep up so they can talk with us. Most INTPs are not willing to make that level of an energy commitment to talk with anyone, much less their parents. And this tendency only intensifies as they get older. If we want our children to share their thoughts, ideas, concerns, and especially those remote and maybe confusing or unclear feelings with us, we need to make it easy for them to actually do it. We need to show them that we are really interested by stopping, sitting quietly, and patiently hearing them out.

• Natalie's parents were both delighted and surprised when she came to them at age eight with questions about sex and reproduction. They immediately went out and bought a book that frankly and objectively explained the process of conception and birth, and they read through it with her. When they finished, she sat quietly for several minutes. They asked if she had any questions and she answered no. They say a while longer, than Natalie got up, turned to her parents, and simply said, 'Thanks for telling me all this stuff.' She took the book and went to her room. Her parents gave her several days to digest what she had learned and then slipped a note under her door one evening that said, 'We're proud of how grown-up you are becoming. We respect your privacy but want to remind you that we are here to talk more any time you have a question.'

INTPs are easily overwhelmed with too much talk, especially when two parents try to speak at the same time. One six year old INTP used to put his head under a couch cushion when he saw both parents coming into the room to talk with him. For a child who must call on energy reserves to have a forced discussion with a parent, trying to do that with two people at the same time is simply too hard. It can easily feel as if the parents are ganging up on the child, and that naturally offends their sense of fairness.

• Daniel's mother found that the best way to build a bond with her INTP son was to make time for what she called 'non-demanding quiet time' together. Sometimes this was riding bikes or taking a drive, other times it was spent wandering through a science museum together. The key to success was not to expect any kind of big discussion. And most of the time, they really did remain silent. The strategy paid off over time as Daniel learned to trust his mother's acceptance of his need to be quiet. Occasionally Daniel would open up. From time to time as he approached junior high – and typically when they were in the car – Daniel would bring up something that was bothering him and ask his mother what she thought. She was careful to answer his questions, to avoid lecturing, and to be clear to label her opinions as such, rather than to imply that hers was the only way to look at or handle a particular situation.

One of the results of living life primarily inside one's head is that INTPs may be a bit clumsy or have a rather slow response time. This may be incorrectly interpreted by others as a lack of imagination or intelligence. Many INTPs are a lot like the stereotypical absentminded professor – dawdling, distracted, and forgetful of mundane chores, late for obligations, losing homework or library books, and generally disconnected from the business of life in the external world. More engaged in their own thoughts and perceptions, INTPs are just not paying attention to what is going on around them. They rarely take things personally and, in fact, don't seem to take anything very seriously unless it does affect them personally. So easygoing and aloof, they live in a rather casual way, unaffected and uninvolved with the world and people around them. It's important to remember that they are not usually intentionally insensitive. Most are just not primarily motivated to do things just to please others. 

 

Adolescent INTPs
Age 11 to 16

What surprises many parents of adolescent INTPs is the extent to which they can often achieve so much with so little effort. This is true both in the areas of their special interests like scuba diving, tennis, or other sport and in school. In general, it seems they have trouble studying, and tend to start and complete most of their projects at the very last minute, and still manage to pull off decent or even good grades. Parents and teachers of these children feel frustrated imagining how much might be accomplished if only they really applied themselves. But they frequently won't, unless the subject really captures their interest or they connect in a very personal way with a teacher they respect. Then they can perform at an unusually high level. A big problem for INTPs is that they are so quickly bored, and once their attention wanders, they will rarely finish the many interesting projects they start.

• Thirteen year old Brandon taught himself to play the guitar, figuring out chords and fingerpicking as he went along. He even mentioned, once, that he was thinking about putting a band together. But as with most of his ideas, he had almost no drive to follow through with it. He finished only a small fraction of the things he started. The best part of any project was thinking it up, solving the inherent problems in it, and perfecting the flaws. The actual performance or demonstration of his mastery held little appeal.

Socially, teen-aged INTPs usually remain hesitant to join in and are rarely the initiators in their relationships. They are characteristically very private about matters of the heart and believe it is nobody's business but their own. Above all, INTPs will avoid doing anything at which they cannot be masters. They prize their competency above everything else. So the areas of their lives in which they feel less secure, less capable – like the emotional area – are the areas they are least comfortable sharing with others. They will not risk looking like a fool. Parents of adolescent INTPs often find that if they ask about their child's romantic interests and activities, their child may avoid the subject, clam up completely, or growl, 'Leave me alone, Mom, Dad.' Pressing the issues will only push them further away, whereas respecting their privacy will create an atmosphere of acceptance in which respect, trust, and openness can grow.

Interestingly, INTPs may not be as susceptible to peer pressure as children of other types because their opinions are not as easily swayed by others and because they rarely do anything they don't really want to do just to impress, please, or be accepted by others.

• Once fourteen year old Tammy made up her mind that drugs were 'stupid', nothing anyone said could change her mind. Her mother, while relieved that her daughter sounded so sure in her opposition to experimenting with drugs, also knew that Tammy was a curious and risk-tasking person by nature. So she was understandably skeptical and wanted further reassurance that Tammy wasn't just telling her what she wanted to hear. Tammy became indignant and exasperated and said, 'Look, Mom. Other kids can take drugs if they want. But other kids are a lot less intelligent, anyway. So you really should know better than to compare me to them!' Finally relieved, her mother recognized that this pattern of independent decision making had been her daughter's style since infancy.

This is not to say that all INTPs avoid experimenting with drugs, alcohol, or other dangerous activities. Many times they do participate in very scary behavior and can sometimes even be prompted to do things on a dare. Caution is not the hallmark of INTPs, unless it is in the emotional area. One family went through three fenders the month their INTP learned to drive! But when INTPs take risks, it is usually not because they have been pressured into it by an influential group of friends. Rather, they do it to satisfy their own curiosity or to prove something to themselves.

INTPs are so naturally skeptical of authority that they may find themselves in trouble for talking back to adults, pushing limits, and arguing – often quite persuasively – against what they find to be unfair or ridiculous rules. Many INTPs flout curfews or neglect to call to advise their parents when they will be late. Because they are basically inattentive to rules and don't naturally see the need for such courtesies, they may appear insensitive and self-centered. For most INTPs, considering the impact their actions have on others is a learned skill.

Arguments with an INTP are rarely won if they aren't presented within a logical framework. Since they naturally and immediately see flaws in any position, inconsistencies may be the kiss of death in persuading INTPs to do what it asked. And because they are so inherently unimpressed with systems or regulations they see as pointless or irrational, compromise can be a tough call.

• Fifteen year old Tyrone had a running argument with his mother. He found it silly and illogical to be required to take clean clothes out of the laundry basket and put them away in dresser drawers just to take them out again, wear them, and return them to the hamper. He found loading the dirty dishes into the dishwasher after each meal a waste of time, too. Tyrone reasoned that it made more sense to wait until there were enough dishes in the sink – after the dishes had piled up from several meals – to warrant running the dishwasher. After several arguments, he and his mother finally came to an acceptable compromise, but one that really satisfied neither of them: Tyrone could handle the clean clothes/dirty clothes problem however he wanted as long as he wore clean clothes each day and the dirty laundry finally made it into the wash. But on the dishes argument, his mother insisted that even though he thought it was stupid, the day's dirty dishes had to be in the dishwasher each day before she returned home from work.

Establishing a minimum standard everyone can agree with sometimes helps. Usually, INTPs are not being intentionally difficult; they just can't help seeing the flaws of logic in ideas, systems, and arguments. As parents, it's not fair or right to ask or demand that our INTP children ignore the fundamental way they see the world. If we do, we risk creating a constantly contentious and hostile environment. But more important, we undermine their natural way of making assessments and drawing conclusions. We communicate tolerance of their style when we accept them for who they are and teach them coping skills to help them deal more effectively with an often illogical and even silly world. Appeal to their ability to imagine or project what might be the possible consequences of their choices – in the external world. Help them to see that what may happen, or what probably will happen, may not be what makes the most sense. Instead, it is sometimes just the opposite, because it is the human and often irrational reaction. Learning to be tolerant is a life skill we must model – it just can't be taught any other way.  

 

The INTP in a Crystal Ball

While they do not appear to be especially happy or ebullient people, INTPs are not necessarily unhappy, either. Since they are each unique and so different from most people they meet, their style is often at variance from the way our society operates. The road for INTPs can be a difficult one. Parents of INTPs of any age need to accept these sometimes 'tough nuts' for who they are, and communicate in word and, more importantly, in deed, that they are perfectly all right just the way they are. With time, they will learn the interpersonal skills they need and begin to allow themselves to trust and confide in others. But INTPs must first and foremost be accepted for the unique and ingenious people they are. With self-esteem firmly in place, they will have the courage and energy to take the risks of exposing their true selves to others and sharing their ideas with the world.

At their best, INTPs are independent and original people. They can be ingenious problem solvers and super-logical analysts of everything. Creative thinkers, they are capable of understanding and synthesizing complex and technical information with almost no effort. They can be the most competent and capable people to have around, with their calm and incisive style of cutting right to the heart of problems, quickly seeing alternatives and solutions others miss. Allowed to grow, learn, explore, and take risks, INTPs can become multi-talented people, capable of breaking through the barriers of limited thought to become the real inventors and innovators of our society.

Recapping What Works with INTPs

• Let them explore within wide but safe boundaries.
• Give them plenty of time to think things through before responding.
• Provide them with lots of raw materials with which they can experiment freely, expect that they may try to take things apart (and not always be able to put them back together).
• Encourage them to finish some of the projects they start by offering creative incentives.
• Respect their privacy; use notes to communicate with them (pictures for pre-readers, words for readers) to express your affection.
• Find common interests to foster closeness and intimacy.
• Explain the reason for each and every rule and limit; always frame requests in logical terms.
• Provide plenty of scientific and technical books, encyclopedias, and computer materials.
• Look for and establish mutually agreed upon standards; don't assume they agree unless they explicitly say they do.
• Help them develop time management skills.
• Try not to fuss over them; let them try to do things for themselves and learn from the consequences of their successes and failures.
• Expect to be challenged often and that they will seem to resort to hairsplitting; recognize this not as a deliberate attempt to be annoying or contrary, but rather a desire to achieve perfection in their arguments.

[Source: Nurture By Nature: Understand Your Child's Personality – And Become a Better Parent by Barbara Barron-Tieger and Paul D. Tieger] 

HSP & INTJ : Not Paradoxical as it seems

I had trouble coming to grips for years with the fact that I am very analytical, but also am very affected by my environment.

I was further confused by this since I usually type as an INTJ, and also realized two years ago that I am an HSP. It seemed paradoxical because I sometimes found it uneasy that I am so affected by my environment, despite my logical observations that most people in the world are not. Also, I did not feel that I am extremely emotional, with friends or the world, except when it comes to longstanding psychological relationships, i.e. familial relationships. As it turns out, INTJ and HSP are not incompatible, but fairly common because being Highly Senstive is more of a neuro-biological issue.

The poster "m" on this forum describes it quite well:

"Obviously, 'sensitivity' doesn't mean what most people think of when they hear the word: we're not Fs, after all, who get upset over every little thing. rather, the word means that we're highly-attuned to nuances we perceive in others, as well as our environment in general.


obviously, 'sensitivity' doesn't mean what most people think of when they hear the word: we're not Fs, after all, who get upset over every little thing. rather, the word means that we're highly-attuned to nuances we perceive in others, as well as our environment in general.

i like "sensitivity of intellectual conscience."

i hearken to Nietzsche's view of himself as having been wise as a consequence of his 'acute aesthetic sensitivity to nuances of health and sickness in people's attitudes and characters.'

i believe another way of looking at INTJ sensitivity can be found in what Kant called 'the beautiful.' he described this as what 'pleases in a disinterested way.'(obviously, INTJs are not *immune* to allowing our high sensitivity to affect us emotionally on occasion.)"

INTJ friendships

Wow, this photo clearly explains why my Judging is only slightly/moderately expressed, which sometimes puts me over to INTP. I am certain I am INTJ, but I tend to be more tolerant with those I'm close to than the average stranger. I am very passionate about my few close friendships, and am forgiving of small things as I know I have my faults as well. I make friends easily, but I choose to have only a few close friends. This is because I tend to get distant and have have a hard time in changing my heart when someone loses my trust or does something very negative to me.

INTJ as children

Sometimes when we take cognitive tests, our answers may not be accurate to who we were initially. What I mean by that is that we learn certain behaviors to conduct ourselves in society, in our jobs, in school, etc. These learned behaviors are good because they allow us to be flexible and more successful in the world. However, sometimes we associate these behaviors with who we are now. In trying to find your type, I think it is very important to see how you were as a child.

I have gone back and forth on general Jung, MBTI tests and Cognitive Processes Tests as an INTJ and INTP, respectively. I and the few people who know me very well consider me an INTJ, but my Judging is on the weaker side 22% as I am open-minded to learn and try to be more tolerant to get along with people.

After reading about both INTP and INTJ as children, from what I gather so far, I am definitely more INTJ. I will post on INTP children in my next post.

Source of below text: Nurture By Nature: Understand Your Child's Personality – And Become a Better Parent by Barbara Barron-Tieger and Paul D. Tieger

The Development of INTJ Children

INTJ: Creating Perfection
'This child was ready for high school in kindergarten.'

Understanding the real essence of INTJ children is a difficult task because they are not always easy to figure out and are almost impossible to control. All INTJs prize themselves on their individuality and on the uniqueness of their ideas and their thinking. Their most striking and highly developed characteristic is their inner vision and the internal connections they make. Intensely private, they do not like to be figured out, yet while they make not act like it, they do want their parents to understand them. But parenting, understanding, and accepting INTJs can be as rewarding as it is challenging.

The examples that follow are drawn from stories of real children. But since all people are unique, your INTJ may not demonstrate all of the characteristics described or may not demonstrate them with the same degree of intensity. But if your children really is an INTJ, most of what you read should sound strikingly familiar.

Preschool INTJs
Birth to Age 4

Intellectual and intense are perhaps the two most common attributes of young INTJs. Many parents remark that their INTJ babies seem wise – or older than their years. Watchful and observant, most INTJ babies are the detached observers they remain their whole lives. They are usually self-contained and calm, and cautious and slow warming up to strangers. They don't tend to be especially smiley babies and can seem a bit too detached for their parents' tastes, especially Feeling parents or first-time parents with expectations that theirs will be the giggly, cuddly, TV, Gerber baby.

INTJs are usually happy to play alone for extended periods of time and are hesitant to get involved in the play of other children. Typically, they prefer to sit on the sidelines watching until they have gathered sufficient information to fully understand the game or the dynamics of the group.

• Nicole's mother remarked that it was as if Nicole never really was a baby. She seemed to be born an adult in a small body. She was rather awkward around children her own age and seemed to struggle with making friends. When they would go to parties while Nicole was a toddler, she would stand beside her mother (but never sit on her lap) and watch the other children. Even when they invited her to join in, she would refuse until she felt ready. Usually she did choose to play, but rarely with the freedom and sense of abandon that other kids had.

Early and very sophisticated language is another common trait of most young INTJs. Sometimes called intellectually precocious, INTJs frequently surprise and amuse their parents and other adults with their advanced vocabularies and complex sentence structures. At less than two years of age, it's not unusual for an INTJ to describe buttons on a sweater as 'difficult' or a hard puzzle as 'exasperating'. They seem to skip the baby-talk stage and move right into having intelligent conversations.

Most INTJs are much more fascinated with new experiences than with new people. From very early on, they like to play with toys that surprise them, like to create structures, and enjoy making art. Their highly develop imaginations give them a unique perspective on the world, and they enjoy testing their environment to more fully understand what makes it work. INTJs usually have rich inner lives and adore fantasy and myth.

• One of Chris's favorite activities when he was four or five was to place his full-length mirror on the floor and look at the world upside down. He could spend hours looking around and imagining living life on the ceiling.

INTJs usually love books. They love to be read to and are often early readers themselves. Many seem to learn to read spontaneously, and they tend to exhaust the resources of their environment at an enormous pace. Their curiosity about the natural world drives them to ask a lot of questions about why things are as they are. They are never satisfied with a superficial or vague answer and may persist in their questioning until they gain the full sense of the topic. Many INTJs love visiting museums – especially science museums – where they can discover the reasons and principles behind everyday occurrences, the things everyone else takes for granted. Most INTJs are happiest when they are given plenty of room and time to explore what interests them.

Another way that INTJ children can seem more like adults than kids is in their logical thinking and decision-making style. Many INTJs are described as fearless, and it does seem that little upsets or intimidates them. They appear detached and unaffected by the emotions or reactions of the people around them. They may be curious about why another child is crying but are usually more interested in receiving a clear and logical reasons for the person's emotions than in trying to put themselves in the sobbing child's place. Their emotional life is private even from their early years, and they don't cry as easily or as often as other children and often prefer to privately comfort themselves.

Even from their preschool years, INTJs are competitive with themselves. They have a clear vision of what they want to accomplish and are thoroughly dissatisfied, and even disgusted, with anything less. They will refuse help or input on projects they are working on and may abandon them if others offer too much advice or make too many comments.

• Daphne's mom learned the hard way that while Daphne was working on a drawing, she needed to steer clear of her work space. If she made a complimentary comment while Daphne was still working, Daphne would frown and cover the paper with her hand. But offering a suggestion was really the kiss of death – Daphne would crumple up the paper, throw it away, and leave the room.

INTJs are usually comforted and comfortable with routines and structure around them. They like to know what's going to happen in advance and need plenty of preparation time to adjust to changes in plans. Some INTJs seem to have a passionate sense of order and may play at lining their toys or even organizing their socks. Others may want to be told which clothes match so they can pull together coordinated outfits but are content to live in a messy room. But INTJs do tend to take longer than one might expect to make a decision, needing time to gather the information necessary to be sure they are confident of their actions. They can be slow to engage or make transitions, but once they've made up their minds, they can be very clear about their positions and unwilling to compromise.

The Joys and Challenges of Parenting Preschool INTJs

The fact that INTJs are a fairly uncommon type in the American culture makes it both difficult and fascinating to parent them. As young children, they lack the social experience to gracefully navigate through the complicated and contradictory waters of human interaction and relations. They can seem awkward or rude because they simply will not engage in conversation with others unless they feel comfortable or recognize a clear and compelling need to. No amount of pressure or encouragement is going to make them. In fact, they can be downright stubborn, and few can adequately match their strength of will. Once they take a position, it would be easier to hold back the tide than to change their minds.

• Because Jillian had lived in the desert Southwest for the first three and one half years of her life, she'd never experienced snow. She'd seen pictures and videos about snow and was both curious and excited about it. But when her family moved to the North and she experienced her first snowfall at age four, she hated it. The reality of the cold, wet stuff in no way matched her idealized fantasy of it. So, for that entire winter season, she refused to let her feet touch the ground. She insisted that she either be carried outside or permitted to stay home. She became literally and figuratively an immovable object.

Learning to accept the intractable positions of INTJs can be difficult, especially for parents who themselves were raised to comply without question. Unlike children of other types, they are usually unaffected by attempts to cajole or the use of guilt to get them to do what you want. Forcing an INTJ to obey almost never works. When told not to leave the table until they have eaten a food they dislike, INTJs are likely to still be there at midnight. It's both pointless and destructive to try to force this child into becoming more easygoing or less demanding. Acceptance is the first important step to better understanding and encouraging the development of their self-esteem.

• Mark's parents found that if they involved Mark in making decisions and asked his input on making rules, he was much more likely to follow them. They told him, in advance, of their plan to make changes. And they learned to patiently explain the logical reason for the change and let him live with the idea for a while before the new rule was put in place.

The outward guard of many INTJs can be difficult to penetrate. They are such even-tempered, internal, and emotionally contained children. They are rarely given to expressions of joy or rage and usually resist a parent's effort to comfort them, even when they are unhappy. When they become upset, their tendency is to withdraw even further into their own world. Although it can be painful to do, parents must learn to stand by, offering their support – only once – and then respect their child's need for privacy. If the child decides to share his feelings, it is imperative that the parent sit silently, listening, never offering comment or advice. Many parents of INTJs have learned the hard way that if they try to engage or press their child, they will be met with stony silence.

While the rich inner lives of INTJs is a source of great joy and satisfaction to them, they can be easily misunderstood by the world around them, since they naturally see things from a different perspective. They are most energized when thinking about different ways of doing things and are bored quickly with tedium or concrete tasks. And their natural curiosity can seem like intentional obstinacy or misbehavior.

• Beth's desire to take things apart exasperated her grandmother, who took care of her three days a week. She often persisted in touching things she was told not to or in scaring her grandmother by wandering off by herself at the park. Her mother quickly saw that the many accidents she had were caused by her intense need to discover things for herself. She took risks and was taken to the hospital several times before kindergarten for everything from breaking her arm to eating poison berries. It was difficult to find a balance between supervising Beth to keep her safe and giving her freedom to explore the world.

INTJs' drive to ask 'what if' is a very important piece of their self-image. Consequently, parents need to sometimes protect their child from the rest of the world that thinks this instinct should be reined in. Expressing a genuine openness and receptivity to alternative ideas encourages the INTJ's innate desire to explore the possible. Providing and respecting privacy for the child to express her creativity is vital. It is important to remember that the INTJ creates for herself, not for others. Not insisting or pressuring her to share the final product or beginning that it be displayed or discussed protects the enjoyment of the activity from being spoiled for the child and is a real gift of love to the young INTJ.

INTJs' naked honesty and directness can result in behavior others consider rude or unsociable. While they rarely are intentionally hurtful or mean, they can be rather self-centered and oblivious to the impact their actions have on others.

• Jeremy could be rather bossy with other children and especially so with his younger brother, Sam. He would agree to play with Sam only if Sam would obey all of Jeremy's rules. The game had to go Jeremy's way or not at all. And Jeremy was perfectly content to stop playing completely if he couldn't be in control. Even from about age five, he had a very superior attitude and would often say, 'I know I'm right, and I don't really care what anyone else thinks.

INTJs learn best, with age and experience, that there is indeed a logical consequence of selfish behavior. Over time, they come in to see that if they want to be included in games, they need to soften some of their bluntness and curb some of their need to be in charge. They are best left to discover things on their own, surrounded by parents who accept them as they are and love them no matter what.

School-Aged INTJs
Ages 5 to 10

Once INTJs begin school and learn the skills to more fully express their many creative ideas, they can really begin to demonstrate their artistic talents and unique vision. Most INTJs love the arts, creative writing, and dramatic play. They are natural inventors and often enjoy making scientific experiments. They are best at open-ended projects that allow them to work on their own and are usually much more interested in designing and starting projects than engaging in the maintenance phase that comes later. They love learning and absorb new information and complex ideas with amazing speed. What comes across the clearest during their school years is their high energy and creative approach to things that interest them and an almost startling lack of energy and even laziness about things that do not. The disparity in the quality of their creations and their schoolwork is dramatic. There's no doubt which subjects are their favorites.

• Ten-year-old Louis was fortunate that his father was also an INTJ. His father understood very well how much Louis loved reading and science and yet how much he hated doing book reports or writing out reports on his science experiments. His dad explained that for Louis, the best part was gathering the information and drawing conclusions about it. Louis felt exasperated that when the teachers required him to write it all out, they, in effect, made him do the work twice. Once he'd formulated the conclusion and had seen the connections and implications, he was no longer interested in the project. It felt like torture to have to repeat his thinking.

Above all, INTJs are independent people of the highest order and may spend much of their lives in their own world, working to meet their own high standards. It is of little or no importance to them if other people are pleased with their accomplishments. Prone to perfectionism, they are highly competitive with themselves and must meet or exceed their own ideals to be satisfied. All the praise and glory in the world from others will not alter their opinion of what they've done. They are amazingly unaffected by the outside world.

While INTJs tend to prefer playing one-on-one with a special friend or playing alone, many will join groups like Brownies or Scouts because of the many varied arts and crafts projects that are offered. Their love of art and design drives them to be a part of organizations they might not ordinarily wish to join. They can be gifted writers and storytellers and are usually voracious and eclectic readers, loving fairy tales, fantasy stories, and science fiction or studying a variety of different subjects in amazing depth.

• Lee liked making things out of clay. He worked happily, and alone, for hours, creating beautiful, imaginative fantasy characters. He once invented an entire make-believe civilization with his best friend, complete with detailed drawings of costumes, housing, and a list of the codes of behavior and customs of this world.
• Ariel began to design clothes for herself in elementary school and wanted to design and sew a dress by herself when she was ten. At first her mother was skeptical of her ability to do it, but Ariel insisted she could. In the end, Ariel was right, and she surprised her mother with her obvious talent and advanced skill. Ariel loved the challenge of taking on projects that were supposed to be too hard for her. She seemed to compete with herself on everything.

Many school-aged INTJs enjoy keeping a journal or writing plays or poetry. While some enjoy dramatic performance, most find being the center of attention uncomfortable and embarrassing unless they are totally prepared and completely comfortable with their level of confidence.

INTJs are fascinated with global issues and enjoy theoretical discussions and debates. They can surprise adults with their ability to expand on just the tiniest bit of information. They are often described as having big ideas and are comfortable disagreeing freely and articulately with others on issues of values, morals, or beliefs. While they are curious about the big questions like death and the existence of God, they are typically skeptical of pat answers and religious dogma. If something doesn't make sense to them, they simply don't accept it. They are naturally very logical, convincing debaters. Confident of their positions and intellectual abilities, they often have amazing stamina to argue with their parents indefinitely.

The Joys and Challenges of Raising School-Aged INTJs

One of the most outstanding aspects of INTJs is their unique perspective and creative perception. They see the world in such interesting and different ways that they can be sometimes difficult to understand or relate to. Their humor tends to be rather dry or wry, which reflects their love of things that are new or unusual. But they are complex people and have a low threshold for outside stimulation. Once they've reached it, they tend to freeze and block out any more incoming stimulation. Many INTJs need a lot of time alone, especially after a busy and invariably social day at school. Remember that the favorite place for INTJs is inside their own minds, and they often need to close the door on the outside world to center themselves and plug back into the source of their inspiration and energy.

Another central characteristic of INTJs – their strong individualism – can pose a tremendous challenge. Parents of INTJs can take pleasure from the strength their children possess, their clear and immutable sense of themselves, and their unfailing faith in their vision of how things should be. INTJs possess an independent spirit that children of some other types don't develop until well into adulthood, if ever. They are rarely persuaded to do things they don't want to do or don't believe in. This can be an obvious challenge if you are the parent and have something you want your INTJ child to do, and he either does not want to do it or at least doesn't want to be directed from what he is doing at the moment. INTJs may also be hesitant to pursue something unless they can do it in depth. It just doesn't seem worth the effort if they have time to give something only a cursory study or a superficial treatment.

• When eight-year-old Aaron's friend Charlie came over to play, Aaron's dad was surprised that he left almost immediately. He asked Aaron if they'd had a disagreement, and Aaron said, 'No. I just realized we'd only have about thirty minutes to play and it didn't seem worth it. So I told him I'd see him later.'

The same tendency towards stubbornness and independence can actually be a source of comfort to parents when they realize that their child is much less likely to be talked into dangerous or inappropriate behavior. Not that INTJs can't get into plenty of trouble on their own, but usually it's of their own initiation rather than a result of just following the crowd.

• Hunter was never disturbed by the criticism he heard from others. He was always perfectly clear about what he wanted and determined in his effort to go for it. Hunter's parents knew that it was difficult to get him to do anything that wasn't part of his agenda. He resisted household chores and might act lazy about straightening his room or putting his clean laundry away, but he was single-minded in his drive to follow an inspiration of his own.
• Tricia really hated riding to private school on the bus because there were so many rowdy and obnoxious children on it. When she asked her parents if she could take the city bus (which followed the same route and schedule), her parents initially refused because they had already paid for the private bus as part of the tuition. Tricia offered to pay for the public bus herself and accepted a regular set of chores to earn the money.

Because INTJs make decisions based on what is logical, they have a strong sense of what is fair and really dig in if they think that they have been unfairly accused or misjudged. They have such a strong need to be right that they just can't back down or admit they have made a mistake. The more they are pushed, the more they resist. The best and sometimes only solution to this tug of war is to give the child time alone. After a cooling-off period, INTJs can sometimes see that they were hasty with a decision or inflexible about a position and then reassess their earlier behavior.

• Elaine was indignant when her mom suggested that an overdue library book was somewhere in Elaine's room. Elaine protested vociferously that she was sure she'd already returned the book and the library must have lost it. She was unwilling to help her mother look through her bookcase or search around the house for it. She was very angry when her mother concluded that because the book was probably lost, they would have to figure out who was responsible for paying for it. Elaine stomped off to her room and refused to discuss it any further. After about an hour, Elaine went out to the garage and found the book under the backseat of the car. She placed it silently on the kitchen table in front of her mom. And as she walked past her mother, she whispered a quick, 'I'm sorry'.

One of the best pieces of advice for parents of INTJs is to delegate as much of their children's lives to them as early as possible. Explain the purpose and basic parameters of what is needed or expected, and then allow them to determine the means to the end. For the most part, school-aged INTJs often feel they are ready for much more responsibility and independence than their parents give them. Having to fight their parents for freedom, privacy, and the opportunity to make choices for themselves exacts a toll on both the child and the parents. (And in the end, they will probably figure out an innovative way to prevail anyway). Instead, communicate your faith in their growing competence and honor their ability to make good choices by giving them plenty of opportunities to do so within the safety of a loving family.

Finally, because INTJs spend a great deal of time inside their heads, they can appear bookish or eccentric to the outside world. Thinking they are doing the child a service, well-intentioned adults everywhere seem to need to point out how crazy an idea is or why an innovative approach just won't work. Parents of INTJs may need to run interference between their child and the world at large to protect their rare children from too much negativity, resistance, or criticism. While the growing INTJ may not appear to care or seem to appreciate the effort, doing so can send a strong message of unconditional love and acceptance that penetrates even an INTJ's tough skin.

Adolescent INTJs
Age 11 to 16

The characteristically independent INTJs of the elementary school years often begin to respond to the social pressure of junior high and high school by becoming more outgoing than they were as younger children. Many parents of INTJs notice how much more effort their children begin to make to push themselves out into the world of other people. It may become increasingly important to them to engage in the common experiences of adolescence, so, therefore, they will make the necessary effort to do it. But it creates a certain energy drain on them, and they will do it only because they have decided it's important, not to please others or as a result of pressure from their parents.

• Nathan had a very small group of close friends throughout elementary school. Once he entered high school, he agreed to attend more school activities like basketball games and dances. He still needed lots of information about what an event might be like before participating, but his mother watched him put himself in social situations he never would have chosen just a couple of years before.
• Abby had always been a rather slow bloomer socially and eighth grade was a year of big transitions for her. She seemed to finally be comfortable in her own previously awkward body. She accepted more invitations than she refused and even initiated a sleepover and New Year's Day party.

But despite their growing interest in things social, most INTJs still maintain strict privacy at home about their emotional lives, especially things related to romance. They still want to be alone more than they want to be with their families and when asked about their private lives, may resist and withhold more than they reveal.

• After one of Dean's first dates, his father asked how he felt about the girl. Dean looked at his father incredulously and said, 'Dad, my personal life is none of your business. I don't ask you about yours; don't ask me about mine.'

Even with an increased social agility, INTJs usually continue to pursue their own interests. Many enjoy individual sports like tennis, competitive swimming, rock climbing, skiing, or other activities that require a high level of personal skill. One INTJ teen discovered fencing and became very good; another loved everything about snowboarding – reading about it, looking at equipment for it, and, of course, doing it.

• Like many INTJs, Laura enjoyed the whole mystique of being different. Plans for her fourteenth birthday party might give others pause, but she and six friends celebrated in the local cemetery. Her parents agreed to supervise, and the activities included palm reading, seances, and hypnotizing one another. When the local police saw the activity, they stopped by and asked the group to leave. But even that part of the experience was a delight for Laura.

For many INTJs, academics are their first priority. Their natural love of learning, coupled with the advanced subject content and increased independent study of high school means they can really pursue their education with gusto. The quality of their experience is directly linked to the amount of freedom of choice and the level of their internal motivation. When it's high, their achievements can be astounding. If they are bored or uninspired by their teachers or courses, they can fail to put forward even the barest of efforts.

• Fourteen-year-old Carly really hit her stride in high school. She had begun studying French in fifth grade and took honors courses throughout high school. She loved advanced math, physics, literature, and art. Her favorite birthday gift on her fifteenth birthday was a high-powered microscope. She told her parents she secretly knew she would be the best in her class if she wanted to. Happily for all of them, she wanted to be.

INTJs usually have strong opinions about fairness and justice. They can be surprisingly passionate in their arguments and willing to stand up for things they believe in. Many INTJs enjoy the rigors and challenge of being a member of a debating team because it lets them demonstrate both their natural ability to see possibilities and their sharp analytical thinking skills.

• In eleventh grade, Brian's science class involved the use of lab mice in experiments. He believed it was cruel to perform medical or other scientific experiments of animals. So Brian took a position, wrote letters to the superintendent of schools, and refused to participate in that section of the curriculum. He didn't care that he might be alone in his position or what others might think of him.

As younger children, INTJs are usually interested in alternative thinking. As they become adolescents, that love also extends to alternative living choices. Many INTJs create their own unique image and embrace the whole idea of being different. They may choose to dress very differently than their peers (and especially differently than their parents!). INTJs may color their hair pink or want to get their ears (or nose or other body parts) pierced or express a desire to get a tattoo. The purpose is to revolt against the accepted and to make a clear statement of independence and individuality. Some teen INTJs may experiment with drugs or early sexual activity, all in an effort to more fully define themselves and create a life path that is ultimately right for them. They are also adamant about not allowing anyone else to control them. While this is scary for their parents, it may be a necessary part of the INTJ's process of becoming an individual. Parents of INTJs (as well as all types) are well advised to provide their teens with plenty of accurate and neutral information about sexual education and drug addiction prevention as early as possible, so they can be better informed and make sensible choices. But parents of INTJs especially need to tread lightly when it comes to heart-to-heart talks. Generally, the less said by the parent the better.

• Merrick's mother explained it well: 'When Merrick starts to talk about emotional or private issues, I have learned to stop what I'm doing, close my mouth, and just sit still. I don't comment, I don't even nod my head, because any input of any kind from me will shut him up real fast. I've learned the hard way to never offer advice, but just answer questions he poses. While it was hard for me to get used to doing it, once I did, I realized that sitting in silence with him after he'd shared something important or painful for him was really a special or honored place to be.'

Usually, the strength of INTJs' faith in their positions only intensifies as they live through the teen years. It's only with time and experience that INTJs begin to see that there may be a lot they don't know. But it can be frustrating to live with an adolescent during these years because, as one thirteen-year-old INTJ put it: 'I don't think I need college. I pretty much know everything I need to know right now.' And while this a common assertion among many children of all types during these years, INTJs say it with such authority and directness, one senses that they actually believe it!

• Remember Ariel, who made her first dress, unassisted, at age ten? By the age of twelve, she had started high school, designed and sewed a pants suit on her own, and had asked her parents if she could take over the responsibility of paying for all of her own clothes, supplies, and expenses from one basic allowance. She wanted to be in charge of herself. When it came time to select a college, Ariel wanted to go to a top out-of-state school. Her parents explained they couldn't afford it, so she borrowed the money on her own to be able to go. Now, that's independence!

Discussions with teenage INTJs – when they submit themselves to participating in one – can be fascinating, stimulating, and sometimes surprising experiences. INTJs naturally look beyond the immediate circumstances and have an innate ability to see far-reaching implications of actions. They are able to understand trends and quickly grasp how one discrete event can have an impact on many unrelated people or things. Their understanding of these connections helps them to develop empathy and understanding not often seen in younger INTJs.

• While Shannon and her father were watching the news, they saw a story of a fatal apartment fire in which several teenage girls were killed. Shannon commented that the effects of the accident would be felt for years to come on families and people who didn't even know the girls at the time of the fire. Her father asked what she meant, and she explained that of course the event would irrevocably alter the families and the friends of the families and would also change the lives of the firefighters and the other residents of the building. One action was interconnected to so many others.

While most parents of adolescents look forward with mixed feelings to the time their children will leave their homes, parents of INTJs may have gotten used to the idea of it sooner than parents of children of other types because INTJs seem to be in the process of moving out their whole childhood. By their teen years, they've been chafing at all restraints, arguing incessantly about limitations, and jumping at the chance to travel and explore on their own for years. Many INTJ teens express their readiness to travel to foreign countries, rent their own apartments, or move across country to attend college. The trick for parents is to know when they really are ready. That, of course, is an individual issue for each parent and child to decide. But understanding that INTJs don't want to be fussed over, pride themselves on their competence, and strive always for autonomy can help parents be highly selective about which issues they struggle with their teens over. Usually the more freedom INTJs know they have and the more choices they see themselves making, the less frustrated and rebellious they feel. Just a little bit of space can help the adolescent INTJ relax and maybe even compromise.

The INTJ in a Crystal Ball

Lasting self-esteem for INTJs of any age comes from being valued and respected for their unique perspective and their constantly increasing levels of competence. INTJs need privacy to dream and make connections and the freedom to analyze and fully understand the world around them. They need to be allowed to question their parents and their environment and come to conclusions they believe are logical and right, despite what others think. Encouraging their creativity and finding positive outlets for their critical thinking skills will help them to employ their fierce determination in constructive ways. Parents who encourage their INTJs to work toward realizing their own vision raise INTJs who grow up knowing they are accepted and understood for who they are.

At their best, INTJs are independent, intellectually capable, and confident people with incredibly high personal standards. They can be ingenious and creative problem solvers and gifted artists and writers. Some INTJs, after what may be a lengthy period of self-discovery, settle down to a relatively conventional lifestyle. But others will continue to eschew tradition and pursue a challenging and nonconformist life. They aspire to be the best at whatever they are doing and need an ever steeper learning curve throughout their lives to achieve that good. Encouraged and supported as children for being different, INTJs can find energy in their solitude and peace in their individuality. Unconditional love for an INTJ begins and ends with respect.

Recapping What Works with INTJs

• Let them play alone or with one special friend as much as they like.
• Don't push them into social situations, but follow their lead; they'll go when they're ready.
• Offer information about what an event of experience may be like ahead of time.
• Don't think that because they don't necessarily display affection, it means they don't love you.
• Provide a constantly expanding source of intellectual stimulation.
• Visit hands-on science displays and children's museums where your child can explore and discover at his or her own pace.
• Offer increasingly sophisticated art supplies (good-quality drawing paper, colored pencils, different types of paint) as they get older, and secure a quiet, private place for creation.
• Encourage their curiosity even if their questions surprise or embarrass you.
• Provide building materials and other open-ended, creative materials; engage in creative craft projects or other common with with your child to foster closeness.
• Respect their need to be alone after school; don't question them about their day until they've had time to relax.
• Expect an analytical thinking style and don't take criticism personally.
• Be fair and consistent in discipline; explain the logical, rational reason for discipline and rules.
• Respect their desire to make their own decisions and develop plans.
• Listen carefully and silently to their ideas and their feeling; respect their privacy and don't question them about their relationships.
• Encourage them to find a physical outlet for their inner stress, especially that caused by the high pressure of early adolescence.

[Source: Nurture by Nature: Understand Your Child's Personality Type – And Become a Better Parent by Barbara-Barron Tieger and Paul D. Tieger]